I cried on my wedding day, better described as bawled. I wasn't really clear why. I do know that I was deathly afraid of failing at it. Divorce is a contagious disease in my family. When my husband proposed to me on his knees he said, "Promise me you will never divorce me." I promised. Though I wasn't sure I could keep a promise like that. It was easier to promise that I would try but that was not his ask. I made a promise.
We don't talk about everything. In the beginning we talked more. I think we have lasted so long because even during extended periods of refusing to talk we innately knew the calamity we were seeding. I think also deep down inside he knows my keeping my promise depends on us talking about the really big things. Always.
By talking I mean connecting. By talking I mean acknowledging. By talking I mean relating. By talking I mean giving in. By talking I mean taking in.
By talking I mean being willing to let go. Leaving some things unsaid. By talking I mean swallowing that big lump that will sometimes form in the back of your throat when you are frustrated and hurting. It is then that you take him or her ever so gently by the hand and you simply say, "I promise."