I was having outdoor lunch with a friend of mine who is a marriage counselor while visiting sunny California. A general curiosity overtook me. I asked her to share her work. Not any one story, but maybe a morphed quilt of her total counseling experience. She looked at me like she had been asked a million times or maybe not at all. But anyway, she exhibited a slight eagerness to share.
She told me of a couple she had been seeing for about a year. He seemed to be dragged in back then, but in recent weeks they both seemed to be there together. Thing is, she told me, he was always responding and she was always the one sharing. So one day, she asked to see him alone.
Now I am sipping my water like its wine, leaned in and trying not to get ahead of the story. It felt like the making of a sitcom, maybe better. My friend continues.
So I invite him in and I say, "today is free, but I need you to listen." And on she goes.
She begins by telling him what he is doing has a perilous ending. What you are doing will play out and you will feel like you are having an out of body experience. Like you are in a room floating above your life playing out in front of you.
Now I am beside myself with full blown - what next curiosity?! I motion the waitress over and I say four words, "wine, bottle, right here." My counselor friends says, "one day, whether it be tomorrow, months or a year from now, someone you meet is going to kill what little is left of your marriage. And she will do that not to regain anything you shared, but she will do it for the impact that ensues. She will do it because she is hurt. The hurt that you caused."
I interrupt by asking, "What is he saying?" She responds, "Nothing, he just listens."
What you think you are doing to protect you from demise is ill-conceived. There is no protection from her hurt. What you should have done in this situation was never done. And what you could have done at home, was never started.
So, she will do what hurt people do and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.
I turn to my friend and ask, "You mean couples don't go through counseling and stay together?" My friend responds, by the time they make it here she has heard everything, done everything, and tried everything to save it. By the time she makes it here she needs closure, he just wants to avoid change.
Wow! Ever the hopeless romantic, I ask, "Well did they stay together?"
"What do you think?"
She told me of a couple she had been seeing for about a year. He seemed to be dragged in back then, but in recent weeks they both seemed to be there together. Thing is, she told me, he was always responding and she was always the one sharing. So one day, she asked to see him alone.
Now I am sipping my water like its wine, leaned in and trying not to get ahead of the story. It felt like the making of a sitcom, maybe better. My friend continues.
So I invite him in and I say, "today is free, but I need you to listen." And on she goes.
She begins by telling him what he is doing has a perilous ending. What you are doing will play out and you will feel like you are having an out of body experience. Like you are in a room floating above your life playing out in front of you.
Now I am beside myself with full blown - what next curiosity?! I motion the waitress over and I say four words, "wine, bottle, right here." My counselor friends says, "one day, whether it be tomorrow, months or a year from now, someone you meet is going to kill what little is left of your marriage. And she will do that not to regain anything you shared, but she will do it for the impact that ensues. She will do it because she is hurt. The hurt that you caused."
I interrupt by asking, "What is he saying?" She responds, "Nothing, he just listens."
What you think you are doing to protect you from demise is ill-conceived. There is no protection from her hurt. What you should have done in this situation was never done. And what you could have done at home, was never started.
So, she will do what hurt people do and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.
I turn to my friend and ask, "You mean couples don't go through counseling and stay together?" My friend responds, by the time they make it here she has heard everything, done everything, and tried everything to save it. By the time she makes it here she needs closure, he just wants to avoid change.
Wow! Ever the hopeless romantic, I ask, "Well did they stay together?"
"What do you think?"
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