Never was a day that we did not leave for the church house without a pot of something or another in the crockpot awaiting our safe return. Whatever it was the meat would fall off the bone after so many hours of simmering-slow cooking is what momma called it.
Being in church was true business. There were rules that did not need repeating twice. Sit up straight, no talking, no chewing gum, no twitching in the seat, close those eyes tight during prayer, don't get up and go to the bathroom during preaching and unless you welcomed the certain beat down to follow, do not do anything on or off the aforementioned list to embarrass momma while she was in the choir singing. She had eyes everywhere. And she could curse you out with her eyes and a reading of her lips and not miss a single musical verse.
And if momma gets "happy" in church don't even think of laughing. Move stuff so she don't hurt herself, cover her legs so her panties don't show when she faints, and by no means ask, "What is wrong momma?", when she comes out of it.
When the plate is passed, whether it is for the building fund, the pastor's anniversary, benevolence, gifts and tithes, or anything else, give til it hurts. Share your church fan, don't be selfish, and if they run out give your fan to someone next to you who is sweating more.
Say amen even if you don't know why you are saying it. Turn your bible to Job even if you have no idea where Job is in the bible. Read your program even if it is exactly the same content as the previous three Sundays. Recycle the program if there is another service to follow.
If Miss Viola offers you that mint with lint on it, take it! Don't embarrass her or me. And if Ms. Caroline with the mole bends down for her kiss, give her one. I mean it. It ain't going to kill you no how.
Do not even think of taking communion if you and your brother have not made up yet. And if you go up there and take communion, if you touch the bread take it. Wait for everyone to get theirs before eating and drinking yours. Stop asking why it ain't real wine. Stay in a child's place. Better yet why aren't' you in children's church. Get up, someone can use your seat!
Put your right hand up when you leave, say excuse me. And you better not get anything on that white sweater. Meet me at the car right after church. Hurry up, I got food cooking on the stove!
If anybody asks you if we coming back for evening service, you tell them no. Tell them you think momma has to work. Don't look at me like that! I'm tired and you are starting to get on my last nerve. AMEN