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Married to the brink of divorce: The bride

1/20/2014

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TODAY VOW

Bride: My love.  You are the prince I made up in my young mind. The gallant, handsome, special prize I fantasized about as only a younger woman can. You were my one and only, until the day you weren't. You have loved me as only you can and to the best of your ability it seems. You are the friend, the care giver, the fixer when I yearn for the lover, the listener, the soul mate. On these passing days and nights I shrink and bend and try not to break.

Almost since we first met there has never been a doubt in my mind that I wanted you as my husband. Today here we stand, so many years later, husband you are, and me as wife. Lost, lonely, and Mrs.  in your name only.

Over the past years we have grown together and learnt a lot about each other, we have also grown so far apart.  I am completely sure I look forward to spending the rest of my life either celebrating our reunion and rebirth or regretting my adolescent dreams I succumb to which led to you and to us.

I feel better having known you. I am just no longer sure I am better off leaning on you. I will always be there for you, supporting you, cheering for you, celebrating you. I am no longer sure I am able to pretend that this life we've made is fun, never boring and grounded in undying love.  These promises I intended to keep, until that is, for my own survival, the time they became simply to difficult to keep.

I loved you so much, for so long, with such levity.  When you held me, it was tight enough. When you kissed me, it was passionate enough. But even your most passionate kisses didn't come close enough to healing all those times I simply needed you to show that I was good enough, pretty enough, willing enough to be yours just as I am. 


You still are my King, my darling, my Mr. Wonderful but that is mostly in those occasional dreams of yester year.  Today you represent my Failures, my Try, My Short Givings.

On those rare occasions when you tell me I am pretty, that I smell good or that the kids are great because of me, I want to run up and throw my arms around you. I know then that you get it, that you get me. At these times I want to scream with joy in the town square. Simple truth is all I ever wanted from you. Somewhere along the way it felt in my heart more complicated. Too complicated.

So I sit here ready today in front of our life, our friends and family, staring into your amazingly perplexed eyes, to ask you a very delicate question;
Will you, my husband tell me why you love me and answer how you are willing to love me differently from this day forward?

Sincerely, Married to the brink of divorce.


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    La Detra Joy

    I love being around people. I would rather live falling than break my spirit never trying anything hard. This blog is about trying and retrying life.

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