Couples will go a long time with things in limbo. They will give themselves a thousand reasons why they should not make a move to the left or right.
Things like: I don't want to upset the holidays, we have children, I can't afford to move on, maybe it's me and things will change, I can change him/her. I don't want to be alone, I am too old to find someone else. What will our parents think? How will we be able to both keep our friends? I have been in it this long. What if I don't find someone else? Maybe this is as good as it gets. Things aren't that bad. Well I have lived with him/her this long. How will we split up our assets? What about when we run into each other? Can we co-parent civically? What will this do to the children? I never wanted to be an "ex" anything. How will this make me look?
And then those equally paralyzing reasons couples will give for not making up. I am always the first to say I'm sorry. Why should I make the first move? We are always making up and nothing really changes. It is easier to stay silent. He/she never follows through on his/her promises. This relationship is exhausting. I don't have the energy to go through this again. I can't fix this and be a good mom/dad. I would rather invest my time in people and things that give a greater return. Make up for what, what do we really have left?
It is time to wake up! Nobody wants to see relationships break up but it is even harder on everyone to watch them never make up. Wake up! The longer the relationship is paralyzed the harder it will be to revive. Ask yourself, are you pondering more break up questions or make up questions in your spirit?
My advise, don't do what you think you are supposed to do. Do what you really need this once to have the life you want. Wake up! Do something. Stop living each day pondering the what ifs or pretending tomorrow things will be better.
Examine your relationship over the past 72 hours. Is that the type of relationship you want? Did you and your partner talk, better yet have real conversations? Was there any intimacy? That is not to ask did you make love, but did you show affection toward one another in any way? What kind of emotional attention did you show toward one another? That might include him opening your door or you fixing his plate at dinner. How about with words and glares, did you connect? Did you go to bed each night feeling as though you have a life partner or do you feel more like a caregiver? Are you friends, best friends? Can you be yourself and achieve your personal best with this person? Is this person solidly in your corner? Can you feel that?
No matter how you answered these questions you know what you have to do. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you that if things are not how they should be for you to be happy, then something different needs doing. One huge step and a very good first step, ask for what you want from the relationship. More relationships are changed from just the "ask" than most anything else. How he/she responds will give you a window into your next step.
Make up, break up but at least WAKE UP!
Things like: I don't want to upset the holidays, we have children, I can't afford to move on, maybe it's me and things will change, I can change him/her. I don't want to be alone, I am too old to find someone else. What will our parents think? How will we be able to both keep our friends? I have been in it this long. What if I don't find someone else? Maybe this is as good as it gets. Things aren't that bad. Well I have lived with him/her this long. How will we split up our assets? What about when we run into each other? Can we co-parent civically? What will this do to the children? I never wanted to be an "ex" anything. How will this make me look?
And then those equally paralyzing reasons couples will give for not making up. I am always the first to say I'm sorry. Why should I make the first move? We are always making up and nothing really changes. It is easier to stay silent. He/she never follows through on his/her promises. This relationship is exhausting. I don't have the energy to go through this again. I can't fix this and be a good mom/dad. I would rather invest my time in people and things that give a greater return. Make up for what, what do we really have left?
It is time to wake up! Nobody wants to see relationships break up but it is even harder on everyone to watch them never make up. Wake up! The longer the relationship is paralyzed the harder it will be to revive. Ask yourself, are you pondering more break up questions or make up questions in your spirit?
My advise, don't do what you think you are supposed to do. Do what you really need this once to have the life you want. Wake up! Do something. Stop living each day pondering the what ifs or pretending tomorrow things will be better.
Examine your relationship over the past 72 hours. Is that the type of relationship you want? Did you and your partner talk, better yet have real conversations? Was there any intimacy? That is not to ask did you make love, but did you show affection toward one another in any way? What kind of emotional attention did you show toward one another? That might include him opening your door or you fixing his plate at dinner. How about with words and glares, did you connect? Did you go to bed each night feeling as though you have a life partner or do you feel more like a caregiver? Are you friends, best friends? Can you be yourself and achieve your personal best with this person? Is this person solidly in your corner? Can you feel that?
No matter how you answered these questions you know what you have to do. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you that if things are not how they should be for you to be happy, then something different needs doing. One huge step and a very good first step, ask for what you want from the relationship. More relationships are changed from just the "ask" than most anything else. How he/she responds will give you a window into your next step.
Make up, break up but at least WAKE UP!
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