It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok? Help me... help you. Help me, help you. Jerry Maguire
Nothing harder than being in a relationship where you feel completely unappreciated. The sting goes deep and stays long. It is the kind of pain that comes along with hurt, anger, and lasting resentment. The pain travels from the head to the heart and settles there. It is especially painful when you know that you know that you know, that you are a very giving person by nature but in this very case you are completely being taken advantage of because of that giving nature. Oh what pain. A pain and anger that tries to ruin you. Tries to change you. The struggle and balance is to not be changed by others but choose to change. Steadied in a determination to be your authentic self doing things that you want to do and feel OK after doing, while not becoming the fixer and doormat to the world around you.
“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help
others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron
7 Ways to stop being treated like a doormat by Steve Errey (excerpt)
1. Start With You
If someone else is devaluing you there’s a good chance that you’re doing the same thing, so change has to start with you. Be radically honest with yourself—do you feel like you deserve to be treated with respect? Do you feel worthy of respect and do you feel good enough to fit in?
Change starts with you dialing up your self-worth; something that can be started in the following ways:
- Really give yourself credit for your achievements—all those things you’ve done and gone through in your life.
- Get to know your values—those things that are woven through you and are the cornerstones for who you are.
- Prioritize the nourishment of your body, mind, and
heart—nobody else can keep you nourished and caring for yourself.
2. Start Teaching Others
One of the best things I heard from TV’s Dr. Phil "Teach people how to treat you."
Your response to other's behavior teaches them what is and isn’t acceptable, so if you roll over and take whatever they give, the message is that it’s okay for them to do that. And people will always do what works for them until they have evidence that it doesn’t work, or that there’s a better way.
If someone is regularly treating you like a doormat, their behavior is not okay. Your task, and I get how scary this might seem, is to change your response to start giving them that message. This doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic showdown; it can be done gently and with the same respect that you want. You might be scared, but you know what you need to do.
As the famous line goes, help them help you.
3. Stop Being a Bottomless Pit
It’s great to do things for other people, unless the act of doing things for other people is how you get validation, of course.
Being a people-pleaser might begin with the best intentions, but if you’re not careful you p on doing so because you want to see how pleased they are with what you’ve done or even to hear those magic words: “Thank you”. Being a people-pleaser can turn you into a bottomless pit—that not only sees others
take advantage of you, but seriously damages your self-esteem.
People-pleasing is not a selfless act; it’s a selfish one.
It’s a flawed way to feel good about yourself, so stop it. How can you be more generous with yourself? And how would it be if you could be generous for others, not because of any validation but because there’s value in the very act of giving?
4. Apply Confidence
If you’re used to people walking all over you, it’s likely that you’re not used to asserting yourself. You might even feel like you’re powerless, but I guarantee you that you have natural confidence that you can apply to start effecting change.
You Deserve Better
You don’t need to “keep on keeping on”, and you don’t need to put up with being treated like a doormat. You deserve better, so make a start.
No more up at dawn. No more pride-swallowing siege for you.