I grew up with a spirit of expectancy. More accurately I grew into that spirit. By the time I was thirty every significant thing I had ever hoped for had come true. I was by thirty married, well-educated, had begun international travel, built my first home, and the list goes on. By most anyone looking from the outside in I had it made and I had made it. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was by age 32 grief stricken. A grief that would last nearly four years. All because I could not have a baby. I was unable to conceive.
I began by keeping a daily journal of my topsy-turvy existence which went from hopeful during ovulation to despair with the onset of menses each and every month nearly 48 times. That is forty-eight times of complete and utter dread when my menstruation came, big red I called it. The one thing I really ever wanted I could not have. With my despair came many doctors, many days and nights on my knees praying, begging God to give me a child. Over and over and over again I prayed begging Jesus to do for me what he had done for Hannah, free up my womb to conceive. I even made him a promise. If he were to give me a child I would name her Hannah or him Samuel as a reminder of his goodness and a testimony of his grace. I would use my testimony as a affirmation of God's promises kept.
I would spend years with infertility doctors until finally my doctor said, "let's give your body a break." So we stopped treatments which had included hormone injections, six artificial inseminations and several surgeries along the way. No more.
I continued to pray to Jesus until one day something happened that changed everything. As was usual I was on my knees praying, pleading to Jesus for a baby and He spoke to me, scolded me is a better term. He said I have given you what you wanted. I had been praying and saying, "I want a child." What he gave me was the want of a child. I had never believed it would be so. I had never prayed, "Jesus, I will have a child." I was begging while he was waiting for me to trust and believe it would be so. During my prayer this day he spoke this, "STOP! Get up! You must turn this over to me and then I will do what I said I would do! DO NOT ask me again. STOP begging."
I never again prayed to have a baby. I thanked God that I would have a child and a few months later, I conceived and without any infertility treatments.
God wanted me to trust him completely. He wanted me to know that I only need to ask. To make my desires known and then trust him to be God at his word. It was not until I was able to do this and show my faith did he show his favor.
Our daughter was born on 5/17/99. I named her Hannah. I kept my promise too.
I began by keeping a daily journal of my topsy-turvy existence which went from hopeful during ovulation to despair with the onset of menses each and every month nearly 48 times. That is forty-eight times of complete and utter dread when my menstruation came, big red I called it. The one thing I really ever wanted I could not have. With my despair came many doctors, many days and nights on my knees praying, begging God to give me a child. Over and over and over again I prayed begging Jesus to do for me what he had done for Hannah, free up my womb to conceive. I even made him a promise. If he were to give me a child I would name her Hannah or him Samuel as a reminder of his goodness and a testimony of his grace. I would use my testimony as a affirmation of God's promises kept.
I would spend years with infertility doctors until finally my doctor said, "let's give your body a break." So we stopped treatments which had included hormone injections, six artificial inseminations and several surgeries along the way. No more.
I continued to pray to Jesus until one day something happened that changed everything. As was usual I was on my knees praying, pleading to Jesus for a baby and He spoke to me, scolded me is a better term. He said I have given you what you wanted. I had been praying and saying, "I want a child." What he gave me was the want of a child. I had never believed it would be so. I had never prayed, "Jesus, I will have a child." I was begging while he was waiting for me to trust and believe it would be so. During my prayer this day he spoke this, "STOP! Get up! You must turn this over to me and then I will do what I said I would do! DO NOT ask me again. STOP begging."
I never again prayed to have a baby. I thanked God that I would have a child and a few months later, I conceived and without any infertility treatments.
God wanted me to trust him completely. He wanted me to know that I only need to ask. To make my desires known and then trust him to be God at his word. It was not until I was able to do this and show my faith did he show his favor.
Our daughter was born on 5/17/99. I named her Hannah. I kept my promise too.
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