This post is PART 2. For a link to Part 1 please click HERE

I had been trying to have a baby for years. After many surgeries and several artificial inseminations I still had not conceived.

One day, my prayer warrior friend Gayle came to me and said, God is working something out in you. He is preparing you for your blessing. First you have some work to do inside. Some real work to do in your marriage and in yourself. He wants to be sure you are ready. Are you ready? 

I was stunned. After listening to my friend I came to the realization that my way was not working. Maybe there was something more that I needed to do. Four of us started praying again. We began praying for our husbands each morning on a conference call for over a year. Our focus was on our husbands' health, spiritual growth, strength, compassion, wisdom and anything else we wanted concerning him as the head of our household. I was slowly transformed. I was preparing my heart and my house for God's intended purpose.

In 1998 my mental state was at a new low. I was so sad about not being able to get pregnant after three years of trying. Every month we would try to conceive then buy 2-3, sometimes 4 pregnancy tests at a time all showing no positive sign. I bought so many pregnancy kits I started moving around town to different pharmacies just to avoid the stares I felt when I was back again. I was fixated on one thing, having a baby. My nerves were on end. After one particularly extended argument with my husband (I blamed all the hormones I was on), I asked him if we can just get away for a few days to be in a new environment. He agreed. We went for a weekend visit to Washington DC. Just the two of us.

About this time the fertility doctor also decided to give my body a break. There would be no more treatments for a long while. We also agreed on only one more surgery but no more. The surgery was scheduled for mid September 1998.


One night, like every night, I said a prayer to God. I reminded him of my promise to him. Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow: 1SAM 9-11

Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,
If you’ll take a good, hard look at my pain,
If you’ll quit neglecting me and go into action for me
By giving me a son,
I’ll give him completely, unreservedly to you.
I’ll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.


20 Before the year was out, Hannah had conceived and given birth to a son. She named him Samuel, explaining, “I asked God for him.”


My promise was like Hannah's. If God were to give me a child, I would name him Samuel or if a girl Hannah as a testimony to God's promises kept. I promised to share my testimony of HIS goodness always. I promised to raise the child to know him as God.

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My promise to God. PART THREE to follow in next post.

From as far back as I can remember  I wanted to grow up, marry a prince, have children and live happily ever after. I guess I am no different than most little girls.

I am someone who is used to getting those things I plan for and work for. I have a Ivy League education, wonderful job, loving husband, fantastic travel adventures from around the world. I have dedicated friends, supportive church family and very close family relatives. One would think I have it all!

I am healthy, I am curious, I am always doing something new. This is my life now. This has not always been my life.

For many years into my marriage I was infertile. I learned that I may not be able to have children when I thirty-two years old. After visiting many doctors I landed with an infertility specialist. We decided to try artificial insemination and we did try, six times. During this period of my life I became very depressed. I watched my only sister have children. I went to dozens of baby showers for friends and family. I had a prayer group, all moms, who prayed for my conception with me every morning for years.

I bought African fertility dolls, rubbed hormonal creams on my skin, ingested natural progesterone. I tracked my ovulation cycle. At times, I turned love making into a chore, a job, a goal, a calendar event. Even if we weren't speaking, I made sure we took care of our business when I was ovulating.

I was completely at a low of lows in my life. I had so much to give to a child. I wanted a baby!. I wanted my turn at being "my mother". And so for years we struggled. Financially we sacrificed to pay all the doctor bills. Nothing was covered by insurance.

I kept a journal of my heartbreak during this time which later turned into a still unpublished manuscript of my struggles.

My husband was a saint throughout all of this. He would tell me he was okay if we did not ever have a child. He told me I was enough for him. He was happy and everything would be fine. He loves me unconditionally and he showed it.

One day walking to the car from yet another friend's baby shower, I broke down in tears. As my husband opened my car door he turned my face to his and asked, "Aren't I enough?" I lied and whispered, "Yes."

One of my prayer warrior friends said to me one day, God is working something out in you. He is preparing you for your blessing. First you have some work to do. Some real work to do in your marriage and in yourself. He wants to be sure you are ready. Are you ready?

Friends the like and tweet buttons are not showing due to technology issues. However click on them because they do register. THANKS

My promise to God. PART TWO to follow in next post.

I watch a lot of TV, spend an enormous amount of time on the internet especially social media sites. I do not regularly read the newspaper or news magazines. I do browse "gossip" magazines and glamour magazines. I especially like the magazine "O". I like it because it covers a range of topics that interest me, I  particularly like hearing the stories of people who have overcome big obstacles in their lives and are now thriving. I like these type of stories because they are not "perfect" and don't always end with the big red bow wrapped around them. Sometimes they end with a question mark. Just like aspects of my life. I find myself rooting for people I have never met and probably never will. Meeting them in person for me is never the point. When I "meet" them on the pages I feel like there is always something in their story I can take away and learn from. These are the type of stories I relish in. The type that are raw and describe a bumpy journey with uncertain outcomes. Just like my life. I can really identify with the underdog turned champion protagonist.

This brings me to the purpose of this blog posting. I recently heard, read, saw, and re saw, reheard and overheard the Jay Z and Solange brawl on the elevator story. I am providing a link for those who just have to know more http://www.npr.org/2014/05/14/312470817/beyonce-jay-z-and-solange-walk-into-an-elevator . Some things I consider none of my business and this is one.

The thing that bothers me most about this story is how fixated everyone in the world seems to be "this week" on "this story". I mean the encounter was on a closed elevator among family members lasting about 3 minutes long. This elevator exchange has become leading news on almost every major news network online and offline. This intended private exchange has taken over the stories that really should matter. The ones we should really care about and really are our business. Now the world is waiting with baited breath to learn the "why" behind the brawl. There is no shortage of commentary dissecting the implications of their unfortunate exchange.

Something is wrong with this to me. What kind of culture have we birthed in this nation? When did it become our business to be on that elevator with them?

I will tell you the elevator we should be on. The elevator that leads to answers to where over 200 Nigerian school girls are being held. Let's all get together, push that button, and get that mystery fired up!

If you are the by product of a single parent, Kevin's words to his mom are your anthem. We are a tribe who drank his Kool-Aid. A band of brothers who fully understands the levity of his every word. Even when he paused to find the words, his face and emotions said it all. Any one of us could have stepped into his shoes and finished his speech. We have our own individual experiences but we wear the same badge. Our mom is our rock. Sometimes it is our dad who raised us. But mostly, it is mom who stepped in and stepped it up to get us through and over the humps in life. It is no wonder we love so hard, try so hard, drive ourselves so hard. We learned from the very best!

“I don’t think you know what you did. You had my brother when you were 18 years old. Three years later I came out. The odds were stacked against him. Single parent with two boys by the time you were 21 years old.

“Everybody told us we weren’t supposed to be here. We moved from apartment to apartment by ourselves. One of the best memories I have is when we moved into our first apartment. No bed, no furniture, and we just all sat in the living room and hugged each other because we thought we made it.

“When something good happens to you, I don’t know about you guys, but I tend to took back to what brought me here. You woke me up in the middle of the night in the summer times. Making me run up a hill. Making me do push-ups. Screaming at me from the sidelines at my games at eight or nine years old.

“We weren’t supposed to be here. You made us believe. You kept us off the street, put clothes on our backs, food on the table. When you didn’t eat, you made sure we ate. You went to sleep hungry. You sacrificed for us. You’re the real MVP.”

To all the other momma VIPs out there. Happy Mother's Day! We love you more than all  the words invented. Sincerely, your babies.

I have come across a lot of people who have more than I do. More money, more trivia answers, more dance moves, more shoes, more street sense. I have met people with more humor,  more musical talent, more access to VIP passes.

But I have never met anyone, ever who has more time in their day. In fact, if you are alive and breathing then you have what I have, 24 hours.

It is not until I began approaching half a century that I thought much about how I was spending my time, especially the time in my every day. I don't consider myself a morbid person, but I do think more often about my mortality as I knock on the door of my fiftieth year on earth. The question I have begun asking myself quite often is...ARE YOU CHEATING YOUR BEST SELF? By asking myself this question in this way, forces me to ponder the quality of how I spend my time, daily.

When I got really honest with myself, I had to answer in truth, YES. In too many ways to count, I had been holding back, cheating on myself. When I took an inventory of my interests, my desires, my passions, my wants, and then began to put a check mark next to those that I was either living daily or working a plan against, I came up short.

In my twenties I thought I would live forever. I lived like it too. In my thirties, I lived for the time I could start a family. I did not think much about myself. In my forties, I thought a lot about my career and how much money I could make (not necessarily save) in order to give my family a good life. As I enter my 50s, I started to think very selfishly about me. Now when I have a choice between working more or doing something for my best self.... I choose the latter, and that has become for me non-negotiable. ME FIRST!

I felt bad at first, guilt really. But one thing I have learned is I get one life. I get only the gift of 24 hours in each day. Everything around me is going to move up and on in one form or another. I get one ride on planet earth. And I refuse to cheat the planet of experiencing my true self and I refuse to cheat myself of experiencing the vastness of this beautiful planet!

I wish I would have come to this eureka moment a decade ago when I was working so hard for things, for money, for titles. That may have led to less money in the bank today, but I dare say it would have provided me with more time spent discovering my best self.

I really like my best self, wish I would have met her sooner!

I planned our annual family vacation to Peru in 2012. This included a visit to none other than Machu Picchu. Our only family credo in deciding where to go on vacation is we will go most anywhere but ... "we don't repeat." Okay perhaps this is more my credo but what the heck. I plan all family vacations.

Peru exceeded our expectations. It over delivered on aah and wow! We took in the culture and wonder of this magnificent country. Our next to last stop on this trip was Machu Picchu. We saved the magnificence of this place for the end simply because at an elevation of 8,000 feet above sea level, we had to acclimate to its altitude.

One of the excursions I signed up for and paid for in advance through our travel advisor was climbing up the steepest side of Machu Picchu and then climbing down again. Sounded simple enough. Go up and come down! What we learned moments before fully committing to this excursion was this. In certain places on the trail, you have a margin of error of less than a foot between the surface you were climbing and the free fall below. No harness, no special safety equipment. Just your agility and self determination to make it up and down in one piece.

Literally, you misstep....you lose. They advised us not to look to the right going up or to the left going down. Stare straight ahead was the caution.

The advise we were given was go up and down on your belly crawling inch by inch to avoid falling off the mountain ledge. The Peruvians said this as casually as "the best rice cakes in town can be found on the corner of X and Y." It rains daily in Peru, your crawl is in the mud.

I looked around at my family and instantly knew money spent or not, no one in my clan was stepping one foot or belly on the side of that mountain. This climbing idea stopped being our great adventure at the words "less than one foot."  The Incas have been climbing the mountain sides of Machu Picchu since the 1400s. When the locals tell me perhaps don't take the children up there, I believe them the first time.

I learned something that day. My inner voice said no before I could say no. I trusted this voice. It came from inside of me and I could not ignore it. Even if I over ruled it, I had to acknowledge it existed in me. This is the same voice Oprah taught us all to listen to. She promised the voice is never wrong. That voice to me is our HOLY SPIRIT.

So, I put a halt to any further thinking of scaling that mountain. My husband looked relieved. My kids at first asked why, but that was expected. To this day I believe that I made the right decision for me and mine. And if I did not, well I left it for Machu Picchu to decide.


Psalm 121:1-2 ESV   I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Trust. Believe. Listen.

Me: I did a quick check in with God. When HE did not answer I decided to check back later. Later I sent word through moma to tell God I was waiting to hear from him. Still nothing.

When I did not hear back I decided to carry on anyway and do things ON MY OWN & MY WAY. Wow, when things turned out great I was really surprised. I really wish God had not missed this, HE would have been so proud. Wish HE could have been here.

God: My child checked in without once calling me by name. She said something about checking back later. Then she sent word through her moma's prayer that she was waiting to hear from me. ...

I went on to perform a miracle in her Life down to the last little detail. For this I got, "I wish GOD had been here, HE would have been so proud."

Well one thing we agree on. SHE KEEPS MISSING ME.

God will never put more on us than we can stand to bear. Is this true? We live much of our lives coming out of struggle, entering a struggle or in the middle of some sort of struggle or another. These struggles we call tests; a way of building our character, our resilience and our faith. No one likes trials. Our problems take a lot out of us. They require a lot of us to come through unscathed and sometimes unscathed is an impossibility. Thank God there is a promise that covers us. It is not in the form of a specific verse in the bible. You will not find any mention of God telling us that HE will not give us more than we can bear. There is no such verse to speak of. However, it is written that God takes on our burdens and helps us through them. GOD'S WORD® Translation Psalm 55:22
Turn your burdens over to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will never let the righteous person stumble.

So while we struggle and work our way through our most troubling times rest assured  these burdens are ours to climb, placed in our path to build something in us anew. We are not being punished, we are being awakened to another part of us that is being birthed. Trials find all of us. We must climb each troubled mountain knowing that the Lord is with us and will never leave us alone as we reach for the other side.
New Living Translation Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with  you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

This is HIS promise and that is good enough for me.

Living the good life huh? Things going well in your corner? Feeling good about you and yours? All the columns adding up emotionally, physically, financially, morally, spiritually, and in any other "lly" you desire? Well excellent and good....so very good for you! You are being blessed beyond measure. You are living in a very good space. You have been shown great favor and that my dear is a wonderful wonderful thng. So now the question we all are asking of you, "Are you giving back in at least as many ways as you are receiving?" Are you showing thanks by giving? Because if you are not then what was your blessing all about to begin with?

Luke 12:48
King James Version (KJV) 
48 But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they
will ask the more.

People who have more should do more. I don't mean give it away, I mean share it away. Whether you have a certain talent, expertise, physical resources, yes sometimes money, transportation, education, the gift of council, scripture, song, discernment, patience, tolerance, or whatever your blessings might be.....share them away in a thankful way.

God will keep refilling your tank I promise. Because when you are obedient to HIS word  and live under the mantra, "to much who is given, much is expected" then you will never be able to beat God's giving to you in return.

THE PARABLE OF THE FAITHFUL SERVANT
The Lord said, "Who then is the faithful and wise steward, whom his lord
will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the right
times? Blessed is that servant whom his lord will find doing so when he comes.
Truly I tell you, that he will set him over all that he has. But if that servant
says in his heart, 'My lord delays his coming,' and begins to beat the
menservants and the maidservants, and to eat and drink, and to be drunken, then
the lord of that servant will come in a day when he isn't expecting him, and in
an hour that he doesn't know, and will cut him in two, and place his portion
with the unfaithful. That servant, who knew his lord's will, and didn't prepare,
nor do what he wanted, will be beaten with many stripes, but he who didn't know,
and did things worthy of stripes, will be beaten with few stripes. To whomever
much is given, of him will much be required; and to whom much was entrusted, of
him more will be asked.

My mom used to say, "If I want something done, I best do it myself." Usually when she said this she was completely exasperated by whatever situation she was consumed. "If I want something done, I best do it myself." 

There is so much truth in this statement. It can be frustrating waiting on someone else to make a decision, take some sort of action, or respond in some way or another to you. Ever been in a situation where someone else held all the cards, financially, emotionally, physically? How does that feel? Well to me it feels heavy, makes me feel dependent, restrained, hostage and weak; when I really want to feel empowered, free and abled. Interestingly, society teaches us that it is okay for instance for a woman to look to a man for her security, protection, financial stability .The bible speaks to a woman submitting to her husband. Little girls grow up looking to someday marry a man who will take care of them. I think whatever works for each individual is their business. Me forcing my point of view on you does nothing more than add to the very things I profess to despise, e.g. restrictions.  Again, I don't take issue with anyone's ideology in theory. I do feel a strong unquenchable desire to say that EVERY ONE SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE INCLINATION TO DO FOR SELF  even if they never choose to exercise it. The point I am making is we should always preserve our CHOICE, and the only way to do this is to always be prepared to take care of yourself and your core needs without having to depend on anyone else. Call it your personal RAIN CHECK for self. Here are some suggestions for your RAIN CHECK: 

1. Get an education at least to the level that could translate into employment that
   would support your independence for at least a year. 
2. Don't invest in something (home, timeshare, real estate, bank account) with anyone you do not have an enforceable contract. Yes this includes being married before surrendering your whole self.
3. Always keep growing. Don't settle. Work as hard on developing your spirit as you do your worldly relationships. Your spirit will always be the first to tell you it is time to move on. Listen, learn, live.

There is one proof positive way to know if you are going to be okay. It does not take asking anyone else. Does not require taking a survey or sending away awaiting a response in the mail. This is not like going in and receiving "all good" check up from the doctor. This is a "me" thing.
You know you are okay when you are okay being alone with your joy. This joy that I have, the world did not give it and the world can't take it away.
This joy of mine comes recognizing that no one else can make me happy. Others can enhance my happiness, can make me feel happier, can even bring levity to my existing happiness. But never ever can someone else create my happiness. Having joy is an inside out thing. It originates inside our spirit and is dependent on inside attention to detail not outside attention to keep it alive.  When we forget this for even a short while we fall victim to the possibilities of being manipulated and led down a path where joy is doled out and entered into barter. If you do this, I will do that. If you behave in this way, share in this way, ask in this way, conduct yourself in this way, dress in this way, give in this way, then I will give you those things that make you happy. We start to see our situations in terms of what joy we can negotiate from it. What joy we can skim off the surface and be okay with.  Our joyful expectations become diminished, often extremely watered down. 

Looking back on it, when the trouble came we were looking the wrong way. We were looking outward for worldly answers to joy not inward. John 16:24 - Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.

There is a place in the universe for everyone and everything made good. From the ant on the ant hill to the flickering star in the far off galaxy. Each belongs here and claims its rightful place.
Their importance we may never know, may never acknowledge, but this does not diminish their existence and purpose. In a million lifetimes they may never hear thank you or "that a girl"! Their toil lost on us because we never stopped to notice. Never bothered to care to know more than we stumbled upon. How brave and lonely this ant and this star must feel pretending they are not bothered by not feeling relevant. They carry on doing what they must to forge a façade of contentment, while burying sorrow behind cracked joy and misery.

What a pity neither will reach their pinnacle of awesome because we didn't bother to notice them, to wonder, care or inquire about them. We saw simply that they looked busy. They appeared resolute in their work coming and going each day. What a paradox that they tried so gallantly to be noticed; working away at the ant hill or brightening the night sky yet always lost beside all those other ants and brighter shining stars. Never noticed just in front of our blind eyes and covered hearts.

I wonder how our life would be different if we looked this time for that one ant or that dimly flickering star and showed a bit of care? How might we become transformed together? Seems doable.

This story by Seth Adam Smith
Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

 Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading. I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just  friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I  approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry?  Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad. Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a
knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make
this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself,
you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them?
Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many
months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then,
after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
 
Marriage is about family. I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become
all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

Church ladies, particularly of the southern kind, are the keystones of modern faith-based civilization. As little girls still wearing opaque tights, we looked up to them, admired their strength, convictions, and grace all in one. Truth be told, behind every strong church are its band of church ladies. Nothing really big or small gets done without them, admittedly anyway. Want to start a building fund, a health ministry, change the service times? Want to feed the homeless, visit the sick and shut in, begin a marriage ministry? Want to get the preacher to do something? Call on the church ladies. You can count on their tenacity, sophistication, dogmatic no-nonsense manner to drive things forward. But something we all know or wish we had, don't ever ever ever get on the bad side of those fund raising, people feeding, nursing the sick, ladies.....EVER!

KEY RULES TO KEEP THE CHURCH LADIES HAPPY

1. Don't get too far down the road on a new idea without involving them.
2. Don't tell them what to do, ask them how best to involve them in the work to be done.
3. Allow them to lead especially if you really need it done fast, right and under budget.
4. If you have exhausted all other sources to learn what "the church" really thinks about something and don't feel you are getting at the "real deal" , ask the church ladies. They are better than the CIA when It comes to gathering intel.
5. Recognize their value to the growth, culture, strength, and tone of the church.  In many homes they are the real reason the family is attending church. They are definitely the reason their family is at "THIS CHURCH" vs "THAT CHURCH".

So next time you pass a church lady, tip your hat. At the very least say please and thank you. AMEN