Let me begin by saying I can count the times on one hand I have spanked either of my children. Even then it was nothing close to corporal and never younger than age 4..

It would take the hands of everyone I know to count the spankings I got as a child and that is counting their feet too. I grew up in very different times. I could be spanked for wasting shampoo when washing my hair or leaving dirty dishes in the sink. I got the kind of spankings she wanted to hold a conversation through. Every contact from the switch with a word, "What did I tell you, how many times must I tell you." My mother wanted to make sure I never saw the inside of a jail cell. The way she was going to ensure that was to keep me in check at home under her watchful eye and switch. She succeeded.

If my mother ever heard me use my "that's 1, that's 2, that's 3" method of discipline with my children, she would have spanked me and them. What is that she would have asked? You can use that time beating the sense into them. My father in-law called his belt "the hearing aid". He said kids just hear better when it is around.

I don't know the right answer. I have been on both sides of the spanking pendulum. Personally, I prefer not to spank. Some would say it depends on the child. On this point at least I disagree. Either you use it or you don't. You don't talk to one child and then turn around and spank his brother.

I do know that as parents we need to use all the tools in our took kit to raise our children. I believe it begins with patience and a willingness to talk things out. This includes hearing and being heard.

I grew up never being allowed to question my mother. "Do as I say, not as I do."

Giving our children a voice and allowing them to express their points of view in a tempered manner is extremely important. Showing them there are consequences for bad behavior, expressing our disappointment, admitting our culpability, all lead to well adjusted children who will one day become well adjusted adults.

It is always easier and more expedient to threaten our children, knock some sense into them. But a lingering question I am confronted with is this....what have we really accomplished in the long term? What were we really teaching them?

I truly doubt my kids will spank their offspring. Largely because they don't have that orientation. They have not been taught spanking as a general rule. Perhaps theirs will be the first generation spanking-free.

These spaces are dark. One can reside in the light but live in dark spaces inside themselves. I know some of these people, so do you.

I have a female friend who swears a lot! She tends to fill up empty spaces with swear words. I always wondered why? I think I know now. She can find no reason to fill it with anything meaningful. Being provocative gets much needed attention. Being loud leaves little room for having to be real and transparent. Being able to control situations through "shock and aah"  doesn't invite space for, "are you ok? Would you like to talk?"  I know someone just like this and so do you.

I have a family member who does a lot of talking especially at family events. Thing is when you break it down into what is really being said, not much transfer of words. No real insight. Talking takes up space. Talk passes time. Talk gets you away from what is really happening. It creates a bridge into never land. The land where you don't have to talk about what is really bothering you. Those things that should have been talked about long ago. And because no one ever calls you on it, this non-talk goes on disguised as real talk. The only one believing that it is real talk is the one doing all the talking.

A bit ago, I decided to commit myself to being that friendly face in dark spaces. That non judgmental face that leaves bread crumbs of approachability. I want to be that face that quiets that need for cursing and softens that drive toward empty talk. I can do that. I can do that because I have been at one time or another that "one" who shocks and that one who talks for fear of being discovered for my dark spaces.

We all know someone. Dark spaces need friendly faces. Here's to building a tribe leaving more bread  crumbs.

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This post is PART 2. For a link to Part 1 please click HERE

I had been trying to have a baby for years. After many surgeries and several artificial inseminations I still had not conceived.

One day, my prayer warrior friend Gayle came to me and said, God is working something out in you. He is preparing you for your blessing. First you have some work to do inside. Some real work to do in your marriage and in yourself. He wants to be sure you are ready. Are you ready? 

I was stunned. After listening to my friend I came to the realization that my way was not working. Maybe there was something more that I needed to do. Four of us started praying again. We began praying for our husbands each morning on a conference call for over a year. Our focus was on our husbands' health, spiritual growth, strength, compassion, wisdom and anything else we wanted concerning him as the head of our household. I was slowly transformed. I was preparing my heart and my house for God's intended purpose.

In 1998 my mental state was at a new low. I was so sad about not being able to get pregnant after three years of trying. Every month we would try to conceive then buy 2-3, sometimes 4 pregnancy tests at a time all showing no positive sign. I bought so many pregnancy kits I started moving around town to different pharmacies just to avoid the stares I felt when I was back again. I was fixated on one thing, having a baby. My nerves were on end. After one particularly extended argument with my husband (I blamed all the hormones I was on), I asked him if we can just get away for a few days to be in a new environment. He agreed. We went for a weekend visit to Washington DC. Just the two of us.

About this time the fertility doctor also decided to give my body a break. There would be no more treatments for a long while. We also agreed on only one more surgery but no more. The surgery was scheduled for mid September 1998.


One night, like every night, I said a prayer to God. I reminded him of my promise to him. Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow: 1SAM 9-11

Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,
If you’ll take a good, hard look at my pain,
If you’ll quit neglecting me and go into action for me
By giving me a son,
I’ll give him completely, unreservedly to you.
I’ll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.


20 Before the year was out, Hannah had conceived and given birth to a son. She named him Samuel, explaining, “I asked God for him.”


My promise was like Hannah's. If God were to give me a child, I would name him Samuel or if a girl Hannah as a testimony to God's promises kept. I promised to share my testimony of HIS goodness always. I promised to raise the child to know him as God.

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My promise to God. PART THREE to follow in next post.

From as far back as I can remember  I wanted to grow up, marry a prince, have children and live happily ever after. I guess I am no different than most little girls.

I am someone who is used to getting those things I plan for and work for. I have a Ivy League education, wonderful job, loving husband, fantastic travel adventures from around the world. I have dedicated friends, supportive church family and very close family relatives. One would think I have it all!

I am healthy, I am curious, I am always doing something new. This is my life now. This has not always been my life.

For many years into my marriage I was infertile. I learned that I may not be able to have children when I thirty-two years old. After visiting many doctors I landed with an infertility specialist. We decided to try artificial insemination and we did try, six times. During this period of my life I became very depressed. I watched my only sister have children. I went to dozens of baby showers for friends and family. I had a prayer group, all moms, who prayed for my conception with me every morning for years.

I bought African fertility dolls, rubbed hormonal creams on my skin, ingested natural progesterone. I tracked my ovulation cycle. At times, I turned love making into a chore, a job, a goal, a calendar event. Even if we weren't speaking, I made sure we took care of our business when I was ovulating.

I was completely at a low of lows in my life. I had so much to give to a child. I wanted a baby!. I wanted my turn at being "my mother". And so for years we struggled. Financially we sacrificed to pay all the doctor bills. Nothing was covered by insurance.

I kept a journal of my heartbreak during this time which later turned into a still unpublished manuscript of my struggles.

My husband was a saint throughout all of this. He would tell me he was okay if we did not ever have a child. He told me I was enough for him. He was happy and everything would be fine. He loves me unconditionally and he showed it.

One day walking to the car from yet another friend's baby shower, I broke down in tears. As my husband opened my car door he turned my face to his and asked, "Aren't I enough?" I lied and whispered, "Yes."

One of my prayer warrior friends said to me one day, God is working something out in you. He is preparing you for your blessing. First you have some work to do. Some real work to do in your marriage and in yourself. He wants to be sure you are ready. Are you ready?

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My promise to God. PART TWO to follow in next post.

Stop belly aching! Where has complaining ever got you anyhow? It draws a crowd the first hundred times perhaps. But after a point, to put it bluntly, it gets old. Even if no one around you is willing to say it "to" you, they are saying it "about" you. What they are saying is this, the problem isn't your problems, the problem is likely "you." Ask yourself, am I on the victim side of this issue or am I the fixer? If you are the victim... time and time and time again the problem is an inside job not an outside job. Follow the trail of crocodile tears and you will find the real problem. Pull back the curtain on your life and you may realize you are allowing yourself to be the underdog, the victim, the damsel in distress over and over and over and over again. There is a saying, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. CHANGE YOUR TUNE CHANGE YOUR LIFE!  

Treat people how to treat you. Teach them how to talk to you. Demonstrate to them how to engage with you. Layout your list of non-negotiables.  Articulate your value system.  Draw the line at X . Disconnect from Y. Disassociate from Z.

Don't apologize for wanting to surround yourself with people like you. You get one life. Don't spend your time apologizing for other people's behavior toward you. Give them a chance, but give them ONE CHANCE. When people show you who they are believe them the first time.

Change your tune, change your life. And this may mean taking up a new broom to sweep away old garbage. Change your tune, change your life!

There is better waiting for you on the other side of the victim side to you. Don't waist another minute in woe is me. Turn the channel in your life. Embrace the victor in you. You wear it well.

It is easy to think we our it! That our existence means more than it does. That are very presence in our earthly skin transcends time or measurement. That we were created as some supernatural being. That we are indispensable. What a pity not a word of that is true, not now, not ever. And especially not in our worldly flesh. Nope we are temporary, here for a time. And if we are really tapped into the "why" behind our time "here" we can really learn to use our lives mightily. I believe the better we spend our time on earth the longer we are on earth, be it in the flesh or in spirit. In the memories of man and the hearts of nations. I believe that is our real purpose in life, to leave something bigger than us behind. That is to find ways to live our life so we never really leave. This causes us to think bigger than the now in our actions and in our thinking. A simple spectrum to look through is to ask ourselves, "Is this the way I want to be remembered?"

It took me years to look outside of my small circles. I never used to think how my words or deeds could affect positively or negatively a room full or people, a classroom full of students or a meeting full of conservatives. It really did not dawn on me that I could change people's behavior and guide people's thinking. That is not to say I had to do anything profound either. I did not have to invent anything patented or build something original. No. I just had to reflect the qualities I hoped to project on others. In other words, I had to live that which I was hoping to leave behind.

People are watching. Your friends, family, children, spouse, co-workers, bosses, Wal-Mart check out girl....all watching. I pray they see the Jesus in you. And I pray that you are leaving bread crumbs along the way that reflect those things that are bigger than you.

I have come across a lot of people who have more than I do. More money, more trivia answers, more dance moves, more shoes, more street sense. I have met people with more humor,  more musical talent, more access to VIP passes.

But I have never met anyone, ever who has more time in their day. In fact, if you are alive and breathing then you have what I have, 24 hours.

It is not until I began approaching half a century that I thought much about how I was spending my time, especially the time in my every day. I don't consider myself a morbid person, but I do think more often about my mortality as I knock on the door of my fiftieth year on earth. The question I have begun asking myself quite often is...ARE YOU CHEATING YOUR BEST SELF? By asking myself this question in this way, forces me to ponder the quality of how I spend my time, daily.

When I got really honest with myself, I had to answer in truth, YES. In too many ways to count, I had been holding back, cheating on myself. When I took an inventory of my interests, my desires, my passions, my wants, and then began to put a check mark next to those that I was either living daily or working a plan against, I came up short.

In my twenties I thought I would live forever. I lived like it too. In my thirties, I lived for the time I could start a family. I did not think much about myself. In my forties, I thought a lot about my career and how much money I could make (not necessarily save) in order to give my family a good life. As I enter my 50s, I started to think very selfishly about me. Now when I have a choice between working more or doing something for my best self.... I choose the latter, and that has become for me non-negotiable. ME FIRST!

I felt bad at first, guilt really. But one thing I have learned is I get one life. I get only the gift of 24 hours in each day. Everything around me is going to move up and on in one form or another. I get one ride on planet earth. And I refuse to cheat the planet of experiencing my true self and I refuse to cheat myself of experiencing the vastness of this beautiful planet!

I wish I would have come to this eureka moment a decade ago when I was working so hard for things, for money, for titles. That may have led to less money in the bank today, but I dare say it would have provided me with more time spent discovering my best self.

I really like my best self, wish I would have met her sooner!

When he first asked for my hand I thought I would melt. Amongst all the other beautiful, angelic, smart, graceful women of the universe, he chose me to be his dance partner. He had walked over to me. I knew from the moment he took my hand in his it was going to be a magical dance. It was just the way his hand felt in mine. His touch gentle but firm, his grasp warm and protective. With my hand in his hand we began our dance. And as the world stood still, he drew me in real close and we danced. I could feel his energy. It excited me. His scent tantalized me. His strength mesmerized me. I was in a perfect space swallowed up in glee, spellbound by moments he created when he reached for my hand.

The first few moves were awkward. I tried to follow his lead. I tried really hard to surrender to his steps giving in to wherever his strides led us across that floor. Just when it seemed we were getting somewhere, finding our rhythm, something always happened to throw us out of rhythm and temporarily disrupt our flow. It seemed at these times we weren't gliding, we were stumbling. I tried to slow down, wait for him to gain his composure and start our dance again. I kept whispering to him, softly, gently, "I am sorry, go ahead, you take the lead." And we would try again.

And for awhile we moved beautifully. When our dance felt as though it could not get any better, I would usually try something new, thinking, believing I could make it even better. Without fail, I would end up walking on his feet and inevitably we stumbled.

I told him I was just trying to be helpful. Just trying to sweeten the melody of our sway. He kept silent never saying a word. And we danced. The longer we moved, the more I tried to lead, the slower we became. Where once we had glided synchronized in our oneness, now there was a widening gap between us. It was much harder to hold on to one another. But we danced and slowly we both became silent.

It was harder now to feel. Our dance had become one of mechanical execution. Small gestures imitating the act of dance. He had become totally withdrawn and though I could still see his hand in mine I could not feel it. I was still dressed like a dancer on the outside, but I felt alone without my partner on the inside. We both danced in small robotic movements to music we could no longer hear.

So one day, I took off my shoes and placed them neatly in a corner of our dance floor. I walked over to him and gently took him by the hand. Neither of us spoke. As he rose, I looked up at him, placed one hand in his and tenderly placed his other hand on the small of my back. I drew my body close to his careful to close the gap between us.

Slowly, I laid my head upon his shoulder and I wept. And then I waited..........and I waited........and after a time we began to dance in silence. As he took control, our bodies spoke and our hands began to sweat. And by-God we danced.

Couples will go a long time with things in limbo. They will give themselves a thousand reasons why they should not make a move to the left or right.

Things like: I don't want to upset the holidays, we have children, I can't afford to move on, maybe it's me and things will change, I can change him/her. I don't want to be alone, I am too old to find someone else. What will our parents think? How will we be able to both keep our friends? I have been in it this long. What if I don't find someone else? Maybe this is as good as it gets. Things aren't that bad. Well I have lived with him/her this long. How will we split up our assets? What about when we run into each other? Can we co-parent civically? What will this do to the children? I never wanted to be an "ex" anything. How will this make me look?

And then those equally paralyzing reasons couples will give for not making up. I am always the first to say I'm sorry. Why should I make the first move? We are always making up and nothing really changes. It is easier to stay silent. He/she never follows through on his/her promises. This relationship is exhausting. I don't have the energy to go through this again. I can't fix this and be a good mom/dad. I would rather invest my time in people and things that give a greater return. Make up for what, what do we really have left?

It is time to wake up! Nobody wants to see relationships break up but it is even harder on everyone to watch them never make up. Wake up! The longer the relationship is paralyzed the harder it will be to revive. Ask yourself, are you pondering more break up questions or make up questions in your spirit?

My advise, don't do what you think you are supposed to do. Do what you really need this once to have the life you want. Wake up! Do something. Stop living each day pondering the what ifs or pretending tomorrow things will be better.

Examine your relationship over the past 72 hours. Is that the type of relationship you want? Did you and your partner talk, better yet have real conversations? Was there any intimacy? That is not to ask did you make love, but did you show affection toward one another in any way? What kind of emotional attention did you show toward one another? That might include him opening your door or you fixing his plate at dinner. How about with words and glares, did you connect? Did you go to bed each night feeling as though you have a life partner or do you feel more like a caregiver? Are you friends, best friends? Can you be yourself and achieve your personal best with this person? Is this person solidly in your corner? Can you feel that?


No matter how you answered these questions you know what you have to do. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you that if things are not how they should be for you to be happy, then something different needs doing. One huge step and a very good first step, ask for what you want from the relationship. More relationships are changed from just the "ask" than most anything else. How he/she responds will give you a window into your next step.


Make up, break up but at least WAKE UP! 

Wounds must be kept open until they can heal. If covered up they may remain infected or can easily become reinfected especially if the original infection never fully healed or was not treated. I am not a doctor but I do know a thing or two about hurting and slow healing.

My father left home when I was in kindergarten. He went to Vietnam and the next time I saw him I was thirteen years old. My mother never remarried. That is not to say she was ever without a man in her life. My parents married young, before either of them could legally drink or vote. My mom mostly married my father to get out of her house. My dad married my mother because he had never met anyone prettier, spunkier, or more sexy. He was totally taken aback by her, as was half the town where they lived.

At age 25, my mother wrote my dad a Dear John letter when he was away in Vietnam. It broke his heart in a million pieces. For years thereafter she told us children she had no idea where he was living. I believed her.

I grew up fatherless. My mother never spoke of my father so I crafted my own stories about him and why he was not in my life. None of my stories were good and none were refuted. What I did not know then was my father was afraid to contact us. He feared most that getting back in touch with his four children would reopen the heartbreak he carried from his relationship with my mom. It had taken years to get over her.

I became close friends with my father when I was in college. I was the only of his children who fostered a close relationship with him back then. Over time, I began to trust him to be there for me in my life even though he had long since remarried. One Christmas, he either forgot to call me or just didn't call me. Though I was 28 years old, it was just like I was in kindergarten again. My wound opened up and I could feel all the infection that had never healed. I was so hurt and so angry. I felt rejected by someone I had allowed back into my life. Who I really needed to be all in.

Along with my fiancé, I went to see my father to tell him to his face that I wanted nothing more to do with him. I also told him I did not want him to walk me down the aisle. He excused himself and came back with a shoebox. In this shoebox were yellowing letters most of which had been written and not mailed to judges, my mom, and us children. Also in this shoebox were hundreds of moneyorder receipts for money he had been sending to my mom over the years as child support. Through those unsent letters I was now reading, I could tell my father had been trying his best to heal and to be forgiven.

I had a difficult time in relationships. I would sabotage them just to see if "that man" would leave me. Sometimes they did. Then one day my now husband called me on it. He says you are always testing me, testing us. I am not going anywhere and until you believe that you will never heal and we will never be okay.

Seeing those letters began my healing. They showed me my dad did care, he had always cared. In some ways he had never left, at least his heart hadn't. Those letters were just enough to allow me to peel back the covering every once in awhile and let my wound breathe. Eventually I was able to close my eyes, clench my teeth real tight and snatch away the covering giving myself a real chance at healing. What I got in return was a daddy and a friend. Today there are scars but not much memory of the pain.

I have tried to understand the actions of both my parents. As a parent myself, I realize that there are very difficult choices that are made in love, out of love, for the preservation of self-love and for the love of others.

I have chosen not to judge. Rather I choose to love with forgiveness while knowing there may be yet more pain to come. We are not immune to it.

A very big thank you to my loving dad and friend who supports me in sharing our story. We hope it helps someone else through their pain journey.

http://www.liveyourawesomelife.com/living-your-aweswome-life-one-oops-at-a-time/wounds-that-wontheal-those-letters

God will never put more on us than we can stand to bear. Is this true? We live much of our lives coming out of struggle, entering a struggle or in the middle of some sort of struggle or another. These struggles we call tests; a way of building our character, our resilience and our faith. No one likes trials. Our problems take a lot out of us. They require a lot of us to come through unscathed and sometimes unscathed is an impossibility. Thank God there is a promise that covers us. It is not in the form of a specific verse in the bible. You will not find any mention of God telling us that HE will not give us more than we can bear. There is no such verse to speak of. However, it is written that God takes on our burdens and helps us through them. GOD'S WORD® Translation Psalm 55:22
Turn your burdens over to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will never let the righteous person stumble.

So while we struggle and work our way through our most troubling times rest assured  these burdens are ours to climb, placed in our path to build something in us anew. We are not being punished, we are being awakened to another part of us that is being birthed. Trials find all of us. We must climb each troubled mountain knowing that the Lord is with us and will never leave us alone as we reach for the other side.
New Living Translation Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with  you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

This is HIS promise and that is good enough for me.

Living the good life huh? Things going well in your corner? Feeling good about you and yours? All the columns adding up emotionally, physically, financially, morally, spiritually, and in any other "lly" you desire? Well excellent and good....so very good for you! You are being blessed beyond measure. You are living in a very good space. You have been shown great favor and that my dear is a wonderful wonderful thng. So now the question we all are asking of you, "Are you giving back in at least as many ways as you are receiving?" Are you showing thanks by giving? Because if you are not then what was your blessing all about to begin with?

Luke 12:48
King James Version (KJV) 
48 But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they
will ask the more.

People who have more should do more. I don't mean give it away, I mean share it away. Whether you have a certain talent, expertise, physical resources, yes sometimes money, transportation, education, the gift of council, scripture, song, discernment, patience, tolerance, or whatever your blessings might be.....share them away in a thankful way.

God will keep refilling your tank I promise. Because when you are obedient to HIS word  and live under the mantra, "to much who is given, much is expected" then you will never be able to beat God's giving to you in return.

THE PARABLE OF THE FAITHFUL SERVANT
The Lord said, "Who then is the faithful and wise steward, whom his lord
will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the right
times? Blessed is that servant whom his lord will find doing so when he comes.
Truly I tell you, that he will set him over all that he has. But if that servant
says in his heart, 'My lord delays his coming,' and begins to beat the
menservants and the maidservants, and to eat and drink, and to be drunken, then
the lord of that servant will come in a day when he isn't expecting him, and in
an hour that he doesn't know, and will cut him in two, and place his portion
with the unfaithful. That servant, who knew his lord's will, and didn't prepare,
nor do what he wanted, will be beaten with many stripes, but he who didn't know,
and did things worthy of stripes, will be beaten with few stripes. To whomever
much is given, of him will much be required; and to whom much was entrusted, of
him more will be asked.

My mom used to say, "If I want something done, I best do it myself." Usually when she said this she was completely exasperated by whatever situation she was consumed. "If I want something done, I best do it myself." 

There is so much truth in this statement. It can be frustrating waiting on someone else to make a decision, take some sort of action, or respond in some way or another to you. Ever been in a situation where someone else held all the cards, financially, emotionally, physically? How does that feel? Well to me it feels heavy, makes me feel dependent, restrained, hostage and weak; when I really want to feel empowered, free and abled. Interestingly, society teaches us that it is okay for instance for a woman to look to a man for her security, protection, financial stability .The bible speaks to a woman submitting to her husband. Little girls grow up looking to someday marry a man who will take care of them. I think whatever works for each individual is their business. Me forcing my point of view on you does nothing more than add to the very things I profess to despise, e.g. restrictions.  Again, I don't take issue with anyone's ideology in theory. I do feel a strong unquenchable desire to say that EVERY ONE SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE INCLINATION TO DO FOR SELF  even if they never choose to exercise it. The point I am making is we should always preserve our CHOICE, and the only way to do this is to always be prepared to take care of yourself and your core needs without having to depend on anyone else. Call it your personal RAIN CHECK for self. Here are some suggestions for your RAIN CHECK: 

1. Get an education at least to the level that could translate into employment that
   would support your independence for at least a year. 
2. Don't invest in something (home, timeshare, real estate, bank account) with anyone you do not have an enforceable contract. Yes this includes being married before surrendering your whole self.
3. Always keep growing. Don't settle. Work as hard on developing your spirit as you do your worldly relationships. Your spirit will always be the first to tell you it is time to move on. Listen, learn, live.

There is one proof positive way to know if you are going to be okay. It does not take asking anyone else. Does not require taking a survey or sending away awaiting a response in the mail. This is not like going in and receiving "all good" check up from the doctor. This is a "me" thing.
You know you are okay when you are okay being alone with your joy. This joy that I have, the world did not give it and the world can't take it away.
This joy of mine comes recognizing that no one else can make me happy. Others can enhance my happiness, can make me feel happier, can even bring levity to my existing happiness. But never ever can someone else create my happiness. Having joy is an inside out thing. It originates inside our spirit and is dependent on inside attention to detail not outside attention to keep it alive.  When we forget this for even a short while we fall victim to the possibilities of being manipulated and led down a path where joy is doled out and entered into barter. If you do this, I will do that. If you behave in this way, share in this way, ask in this way, conduct yourself in this way, dress in this way, give in this way, then I will give you those things that make you happy. We start to see our situations in terms of what joy we can negotiate from it. What joy we can skim off the surface and be okay with.  Our joyful expectations become diminished, often extremely watered down. 

Looking back on it, when the trouble came we were looking the wrong way. We were looking outward for worldly answers to joy not inward. John 16:24 - Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.