Somebody will read what they see here and will be impacted. It will feel like a sting. Like being stung by something that you felt but did not see. When this happens, tell yourself you did not imagine it. The sting will get worse and it will feel irritating. The truth is like that.

We all start out from somewhere. My friend Hillary once told me it is as if we all start out on a boat God assigns us to. Along the course of our life people are added to our boat. Our life takes shape by how well we behave in that boat as it moves along its course. I was especially struck by her viewpoint that for as long as we are in the boat together we are to take care of one another. We are especially responsible for those we intentionally invite aboard our boat. This invitation creates an even higher standard of care. I think I understand what my friend Hillary meant. She ended by saying if God let them on your boat he did it for a reason. Yours is to understand the reason why.

I have not always behaved well in my boat. I have driven people away when I felt crowded or overwhelmed. I have seen people approaching my boat and I have stoically turned my back on them, steering the boat away, usually because I was angry and displeased with their behavior. I have watched people swim along my boat with one hand touching the boat and the other hand used trying not to drown and though I did not let them on, I held out an oar until they could float. I did this mostly when I was teaching them to fish rather than giving them the fish. This is hard thing to experience when you are in the water not in the boat. If I was ever wrong I pray for God's grace.

The boat is a refuge. It is a place where people realize the comfort of their charter is not certain. The experience on the boat will get bumpy and it will come upon rough waters. There will be times when things will become choppy and turbulent. There will be times when depths don't seems to have bottoms. It will be tempting to want to blame others on the boat. To look around for someone or another to cast away. You might even want to move people around on the boat, shift positions. And even with this the environment remains the same. When everything else is tried you might even curse the boat itself and damn the very water it is on. 

Our boat is supposed to be a refuge. A place where people come expecting peace and tranquility. A place where people on the boat know that they are on that boat together, no matter what. No matter what happens together is forever. Everyone working together to charter the best course. All oars in the water. No man left behind.

I wish we all saw the world as our boat. And when it comes time to dock you can hear that voice among the night stars, "In you I am well pleased." And you will know in your spirit you behaved well on that boat you were assigned to. 

When I am having an especially bad day I am going to say, "Today could be better." When I don't like doing something that is unessential to my livelihood, I am going to stop doing it. If I grow out of someone or something I am going to let them go and let it go. If I don't like how I am being treated, I am going to show up, speak up and I am no longer going to shut up.

When I grow tired of always saying yes, being that YES MAN to everyone around me, I am going to say "NO" and not apologize for it. I am going to put me first so I can be available to others when they need me most.
When I need to I am going to throw a pity party and only invite those who have been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. At this pity party I will wear a crown. I am going to parade around prancing in full pity regalia. The kind of regalia that says I am entitled to feel this way, to act this way, to be this way because I have been through something. And that something has left me feeling of not myself. I will serve plenty of delicious delights that pity people eat at "sho nuff is a pity" parties.

I will bend but I will not be broken. I will step into my essence and follow my instincts. I will surround myself with light. I will draw additional strength from the light of others. All alone we will flicker, but together we will radiate!

This is my declaration.

If there is something you are sitting on, looking past, ignoring, or denying then,  I have something to say to you. I speak truth and from a place of having sat, looked, ignored, and denied too. If this is you too, lean in.
I used to think that I could wish it away that there in the corner. I thought I could mask it with fakery. I was convinced I could wean myself from it by pretending it is not there at all. I figured if I just refused to notice it then I did not have to own it. If this is you too, lean in.

I spent so much time building flimsy mental walls all around it, starting other stuff to distract me from it. I threw stuff over it, disguised it, rewrote history about. I pretended It was not of me, no association whatsoever. If this is you too, lean in.

Every once in awhile, every so often, I would ease over to it when no one was looking and poke it, nudge it, just to see if it still had any life left in it. It always did, lots. It was very much alive because I had been feeding it, for as long as it existed. I had kept it alive pretending it was dead. I fed it by sitting on it, looking past it, ignoring it, denying it. I fed it by wishing it away, masking it, faking it. I fed it by building flimsy walls around it. Walls that I thought were holding it back. pushing it down. But my walls simply gave it time to grow and become even stronger. My walls were giving it permission to exist.

No amount of disassociation or rewriting of history can change the truth of it. And the truth is this.

If we don't deal now with what is destroying us we will either die with it or of it. Sadness, depression, destructive habits, negative thoughts, bitterness, unforgiving spirit, lack of confidence, bad relationships, loneliness. Whatever it is.....lean in.

It is time to walk over to that corner and sweep it clean. That there corner has caused trouble enough and it does not deserve to see another day. 

I was one radiant bride, everyone told me so too. I did not jump a broom but I turned heads in the room that day way back when, especially that of my new husband. I enjoyed saying the word "husband." I used it in a sentence every chance I got too. Let me introduce you to my husband. I am off to meet my husband for lunch. Can't wait to get home to see my husband. I used the word like I had just learned it. The word was green on me, still wet from the ink. This bliss lasted about three years. When at first "husband" was a poetic two syllable word, in about year four, I stretched it out between clenched teeth. It was rounded up to about four syllables, usually because I sprinkled in some sarcasm in between. HUUUUSBAAND!

I do believe God sends us our mate. I have girlfriends still waiting and others waiting again. For the latter, we jokingly say the first one sent was God showing his sense of humor. Anyway, for me at least, God sent me my prince. Though I have not always been able to see the prince in the prince that God sent me.

After 24 years of marriage there are a few things I know for sure. When I can't see the prince in the prince that God sent me I ask myself a few questions. I may not be able to see the prince in him but can I see God in him? That is all it takes. I snap back.

Because I can always see the work God has done in him or is doing in him. I don't have to look far. So usually the joke is on me. God looking at me saying really? You really think I am going to allow you to sit in judgment of one whom I have made in my own likeness. And when I think of it that way it causes me to make self-reflection not finger projection. I ask myself, what is going on with me that I am so easily led to this way of thinking about him? My supposed prince. What is going on with me? What am I not seeing, not hearing, not addressing inside me that validates this negative behavior in me?

Usually when I take this tally not of him but of me, I find my truth. And truth is it is almost never about him and what he is or is not doing or saying, but about me and how I feel about myself at the time. Eager, sad, needy, anxious, vulnerable, self-conscious, empty. Egocentric, selfish, inflexible, full, independent.

When I can't see the prince in the prince that God sent me usually the first thing I have to do is come down from my throne.

And let the church say, Amen.

It had been going on for some time. "It" everyone knew about but out of deference or as not to embarrass her hush became the operative word. When they were all together there seemed to be an implicit silence toward not digging into any specifics. The most anyone would muster is, "How are you Sarah?" They did not expect an answer, at least not an honest one. Sarah had long last mastered the art of deception any who and everyone around her played into it. It was easier that way, less awkward any how. Until one day out of the complete blue skies and just in the middle of an engaging game of Cribbage, Sarah asks aloud... almost as if she is talking to the air, "How could I ever live without him?"

And with that the door flew open and I walked through it. First of all, maybe you would go back to a time that you loved yourself, really loved yourself. You would remember what it feels like to wake up and anticipate a new day not hesitate what awaits around the corner. You would get to smile more and not the painted on smile that looks cracked around its edges. Maybe you would breath with lighter breaths, slow, relaxed, grateful, joyous breaths that you are entitled to have.

Maybe you would dream in color again. Go back to school. Learn a second language. Travel to visit your family. Cut your hair the way you like it! Buy something new just because. Take a cooking class. Not rush home because you receive a text.

Perhaps you would join a gym. Laugh at yourself out loud. Run through a sprinkler system. Wear a pair of torn jeans. Spend more time with your friends. Take off your sunglasses indoors. Stop having trip and fall  "accidents" all the time.

Maybe you would find your voice again. Pat yourself on the back. Sing out loud. Occasionally make mistakes and get over it without beating yourself up about it. Leave dirty dishes in the sink for a day. Let the laundry wait. Take a walk by yourself.

Love yourself. Be yourself. Meet yourself again. That's a start. But you didn't ask me. Seemed like you were talking into the air. Sarah your deal, I just dealt.

Busy life sounds. All of us in such a hurry to get somewhere, anywhere but here in the moment. Bustling noises coming from every orifice. It is maddening. No stillness, only the ticking bits of sound bypassing the moment, slipping by inconspicuously inching away with the tick tocks of our life's time. Gone! And no matter, it remains just that, gone.

Cajoling won't rewind what has been done. There is no advantage to trying to go backwards. Fatefully reaching back is doubly damning. The time wasted going and the time wasted while gone. So many people everywhere, oblivious to these passing moments of the day. They have counted today and already added it  to their list of mundane happenings.

No feeling in the air of togetherness. So many people, yet eyes are drawn to devices not to faces. Eyes are mesmerized by playback videos versus live action situational miracle moments. These tiny events get missed completely. Micro not macro mindsets rules the day.  The "hurry up" fast moving mouths get fed first. Big picture dreamers with patience and purpose eat later with plenty of leftovers stowed in reserve. For these measured pacing types, getting full is a journey laced with  less is more. Not a greed fest of "stuff your soul with whatever feels good in the moment" fascination. 

I make a mess in aisle  9 just to see what will happen. And just as I suspected, no one seems to notice.  No one is called. After awhile, I bend down on my knees and begin to clean up my own mishaps little by little. Seeing my situation, a "Feel gooder" happens by. Remaining on the perimeter of my helpless mess, she steps over and around the pieces strewn all around me. She doesn't offer to help but she makes a point of trying not to make it any worse than it already appears to be. All around me this place is littered with "feel gooders." Talking under their breath in judgment.

I continue picking up my pieces; it is slow but steady going. Out of the corner of my eye I see a young man staring in my direction. As he stares my way, he begins to approach. In one hand he carries a broom and dust pan. In the other are white cloths. He bends over saying, "You look like you could use a bit of help." He doesn't take over, he simply lends his helping hands. A good Samaritan do gooder.  

I asked him why he decided to help me. His response was simple, Phillippians 2:4. Let each  of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

I finished gathering my things and was reminded of one other scripture. Bear one another's burden, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2.

Doing good feels good!

I remember thinking to myself that's just Carlton being Carlton. Like him or hate him he is going to share what's on his mind. Better than being a hypocrite. He's got true grit, not a phony bone in his body. I only wish I could be so bold. Being able to tell it like it is takes chutzpah and Carlton has got it. Wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of his slippery thoughts. But from where I stood, he could be quite entertaining.  Mostly it was his shock value. Carlton could say what everyone else was thinking. I used to wonder how can he tango with words so comfortably?

You could just see the fear in other's eyes. No one could not stop what was coming. We were mesmerized by his ability to glide on and off topic, taking perfect aim and then BOOM! Saying whatever it is he wanted to say, completely unfiltered, and never ever challenged.

Carlton was a stream of consciousness. He was masterfully effective at cutting down others like trees in the forest. Not with fists but with words. A few times I saw tears. Carlton didn't care. He had that look of 'if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.'  We stood by affirming. Validating not with words but with silence. We were all so young then. Each of us learning to navigate the world around us.

Many years later I was sitting in a parking lot waiting for my son to come out of a store. As I sat there I heard what sounded like sobbing nearby. Then I heard loud screaming. A screeching sound and the words "No! Please don't! Stop! Please!" I heard, "Daddy, Stop you are hurting her!"  There in the car beside mine, he was pulling her hair, pushing her face into the car window, throbbing his finger into her forehead and getting up really close to her face while screaming a symphony of degradation into her consciousness. It was awful and frightening to watch. I sat frozen in place, unable to move!

But what if? What if I/we had mustered the courage and chutzpah back on the playground? What if we had used the gumption that we were given in our gut starting back then and we said NO STOP IT! This is wrong and I will not standby and allow you to demean others in this way. This is not acceptable. Your behavior is not acceptable around us. I wonder what might have happened?

Perhaps there would be far fewer Carltons in our parking lots, in our homes, in our churches, in our classrooms, on our playgrounds. In our prisons. Perhaps there would be fewer wives wearing sunglasses indoors and daughters buying into the words, "I am sorry baby, it will never happen again." Just maybe. (NOTE: Carlton was a person of fiction, the meaning of this post was not).


NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE PREVENTION MONTH

\\I will not allow bad thoughts to dampen my spirit of perfection. I will not allow the words spoken toward me and dipped in the poison quill to blot my character or my characterization. I was made perfectly and in my design there was room made for imperfections.

I am and will forever be victorious when chartering a destiny destined for greatness. I have been allotted favor. The kind of favor that ends with YES YOU WILL.

I am majestic, wrapped in splotches of tarnish. The kind of tarnish that comes from bumping and bruising in the pursuit of happiness and understanding from the universe. I give that I may get back ten fold. I have a crown on display at my Father's house. It awaits me as the end to a promise of good works and a song of IN YOU I AM WELL PLEASED.

I am awesome. I will not allow the triumphs of others to intimidate me. I will not allow my trials to trip me up. I am on a path to better gardens and tasteful rainbows. I am unstoppable, for nothing made of flesh can exist to curtail what awaits me.

I am a willing vessel. I ask not what HE can do for me but how I can do for HIM. We have a partnership. One of mutual respect and one in which I cannot beat his giving. I am confident because he paid the price for my transgressions. I cannot  be punished  beyond what he allows.  I cannot be pressed down, pushed aside, or torn asunder because he has chosen me for a mighty work. In him I receive my strength. I am but one of many guided by stars of Jerusalem.

There was his call and we answered. There will be a day of reckoning. On that day we shall all say it was my supreme pleasure to be in your mighty fold.

I will want rest. I will be drawn to the rapture.  I will be ready. Until that day I seek light where there is darkness to be found.

This is my declaration!

Just one more drink won't hurt. After all it is that third one that helps me forget. Takes the edge away. Puts some distance between my troubles and me.  I am not a nasty drunk. Just one more. I am not hurting anyone. The night is young and I have a lot of troubles.

We are just talking. No harm in talking. Besides it is via social media. A little innocent flirting is all. So what we are both married. We met long before either of us walked down the aisle. We are allowed to have friends, geesh. Nothing criminal is happening here. Just two adults getting reacquainted after so many years apart. Where is the harm in that? Come on people nothing to see here. Keep it moving.

I'll put this on my credit card.  No the whole thing. Ring me up. Better yet, put this here on it too. They were on sale. Almost passed me up. Good thing I was on the lookout for great deals. What do you mean "card declined". Try again. Hurry up before I get mad. Better yet. keep your stuff! I will spend my Benjamins elsewhere. Give me back my card! You can't have that! Give it back I say. I don't care what some auto recording said. Give me back my card!! You are messing with the wrong one!

Get up honey time to go to service. Church service silly. Now wake up. What do you mean you are not going? You promised. This week you promised. I hate being there without you. Please. Do it for me. Get up lazy bones. All right, stay right there then. What's your excuse this time? I know before you say it, there is no excuse. Well I will see you when I get back. But I am telling you, this is getting really old. This is not what I signed up for. Not at all. I am tiring praying for your soul. Hell, I am tired period!

Hi I am back and this time I brought  pictures. I want her lips, her hips and tummy. See this one, I want her chin. Wouldn't her chin look good on me? I think so. Let's schedule it. How quickly can I be transformed? This body I am in is not working for me. Make me over doctor. Work your magic!

The devil has come to seek and destroy and he will by any means necessary. He does not fight fair but he fights with whatever we hand over to him. Our low hanging fruit; like weakness, social pressure, addictive mindsets and addicted behaviors. Our self-hatred.  No need for him to strike in the open when he can easily creep up on us and fight from the sidelines.  Discreetly and without being noticed. That way we won't fight back and he can capture more of us. Quietly stealing our spirit. He turns us on ourselves and then he knows he has us.

He does a TKO on us before we ever saw it coming. He does this by planting seeds of doubt in our spirit. He does this by weakening our minds and by trying to come between Christ and us. He is conniving and clever. He causes us to love the lures of this world. More and excess has become our calling cry. And while we are crying out against our situation we ignore the one mighty cry from the wilderness. The one who will answer. By then we are so distracted in our quicksand, we become lost out there. We become consumers of our dread. Fasting and prayer is but a flicker too dim to imagine.

We make it easy for him. No wonder he is so successful in snaring his prey. Maybe it is not the devil is a liar, but rather the lies we tell ourselves. We hand him the weapons he uses to defeat us.

Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Yes! That completely sums up my walk with Christ. Yours too? It would not surprise me one bit. I heard a sermon just today by an 80ish old pastor who spoke on this very subject of borrowing. This 80 year old pastor raised me in church. He married me too. Reverend France A.. Davis of Salt Lake City, Utah. He is one of the good guys. One of the chosen few. Made of the best Alabama stock.

It might surprise you to know Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb. Don't believe me.... look it up?! Jesus owned no tomb or burial place of his own-.Isaiah 53:9.Why was it borrowed? Because Jesus needed no permanent place in a dead state. We all know how this story ends. He rose again which allowed us to become new! We step out of our old selves and walk in a new light. Thing is, we did nothing to earn it, to deserve it, or even to be able to say we worked for it. No! It was entirely grace. Someone else paid the price for our transgressions. FYI, the cross too was borrowed. A temporary suffering for a lifetime of salvation....ours! How awesome is that?

Now finally, to something blue. In this we share. Jesus suffering and anguish. Our lifetime of penance for Adam and Eve's shenanigans. But you know, it is all good. In the end, everybody gets what they want. If we choose to, we will rejoin Jesus in the Kingdom and Jesus if he has so chosen us, he sees a just reward through us in the blood he shed.

Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Thank you Jesus!

When we are good God smiles heartedly. Good thing is being good isn't hard to do.  I like that faith comes with choice. For much of my life I have floated in and out of being good the bible way. I like the freedom of choosing everyday who I am becoming in God's eyes. No matter when, I feel the convictions of my behavior. When I sin which is often, I don't feel good about it. When I am good, behaving well and in sync with God's expectations for my behavior as a Christian, then my heart inevitably does a somersault. I would really like to amass more somersaults in my spirit stable.

I do not punish myself for who I am. I don't apologize for my frailties. I don't want being a good Christian to become punitive or exhausting for me. I also don't believe becoming perfect is the central purpose to serving God. He died for my prior sins and sins to come. Being better, becoming better, sustaining better for longer periods of time is expected. Paul explained in  Philippians 3:12-14 that he was not already perfect, but that he kept pressing on, day by day, towards the mark of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Pressing forward toward perfection is key.

As a Christian who seeks to be Christ-like allows me to set my own faith walk milestones. Each day I awake thanking God for his mercy and grace. I am especially thankful when I am in turmoil and behaving badly. This is when I need his grace most. I am the first to say, I know intensely the feeling of being out of sync with God's plan for my life. I know it hurts him when he sees my one step forward, two steps backward routine. Best thing though, he knows my heart. He knows I will pick myself back up and spring forward again. "There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins." Ecclesiastes 7:20

I don't live to make God happy. I don't have to.  I live in a way that limits his unhappiness with me because of my actions. Jesus lived and died in order that we can make sin mistakes, grow out of them and then draw closer to him. He died on the cross, shed his blood, and rose again so that we can all choose him and  choose to want to serve him by striving for perfection. So when I show him through my actions, my tongue and my heart how much I love the choice I made in serving him....my heart does somersaults.

Thank you Jesus for being my Lord and Savior. Thank you for creating me and choosing my life as your vessel. I am getting better at serving you. I hope your heart does a somersault when you think of me. Amen

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Each of us was created to fulfill God's purpose for our life. We must walk it out if we choose to accept his calling on our life. Walking it out is a profound act of obedience. I have never met another saved soul who is on the same course they started on. Like me, we ended up on our current road from a crooked path. I don't believe God is keeping score in how we arrived, he is just happy we chose the right path eventually. Everything we encountered from point A to point B stemmed from choices we made and the consequences we met along the way. I used to compare my Christ journey to others. This was futile. I felt like I should be further along. I used to ask, Why can't I pray like him, praise like her, believe like them, recite scripture like such and such? Looking back, I called this the silly season of my Christ walk. God does not compare me to anyone, then why should I compare myself to others?

Like all aspects of our relationship with Christ it should be at all times personal. God knows our heart above all others. Our walk in obedience should remain personal. Allow no one else to measure your degree of faith or submission. When you make the decision to surrender your life to Christ you must own the walk and own the outcomes. The price of submission is proclaiming Christ as your personal savior and your willingness to fall under his authority. The reward is eternal life with Christ Almighty. The benefits of obedience far surpass the depths of our imagination.

My obedience is under construction. Despite the fact that I am an unfinished work, God has already begun to show me the fruits of my obedience. Here are just a few examples.

God has introduced me to more seasoned Christians in Christ who have helped me strengthen my understanding of scripture. He has placed people in my life that have encouraged me in my faith walk. He has surrounded me with people just like me with whom I can share my anxieties, vulnerabilities and my sensitivities that arise in my Christian walk. I don't have to pretend to know it all or be perfect. I am allowed to grow from being wrong and from making mistakes. Through obedience, I hear God's voice more clearly. I feel his presence. I enjoy spending time with him.
According to Holman's Illustrated Bible Dictionary a succinct definition of biblical obedience is "to hear God's Word and act accordingly."

Eerdman's Bible Dictionary says, "True 'hearing,' or obedience, involves the physical hearing that inspires the hearer, and a belief or trust that in turn motivates the hearer to act in accordance with the speaker's desires."

So, biblical obedience means, simply, to hear, trust, submit and surrender to God and obey his Word.

I pray my journey meets yours and we grow together. Thanks for allowing me to share mine with you.

From a biblical standpoint, obedience is about demonstration. Demonstrating our acknowledgment, understanding, yielding, acceptance, application and submission to scripture in our lives. By my very nature, I am not a conformist, so in truth, I have struggled with blind obedience. And not because I did not want to do some thing or another, I just don't like being told what to do. I never have either.

There are more than 20 powerful scriptures addressing obedience in the bible. When measured against these scriptures, In God's eyes, I am likely seen as a work in progress. I think when you have been hurt in life it is hard to trust. Even more it is hard to have complete faith. At least for me.

So at one point, I decided to be obedient to trying to be obedient. Sounds silly maybe. But for me it is working. It starts with understanding why God is asking us to behave in a certain way. Why obedience? The only answers to these type of questions are found in scripture.

 "Why is obedience to God important?"

Answer: Obedience to God proves our love for Him (1 John 5:2-3), demonstrates our faithfulness to Him (1 John 2:3-6), glorifies Him in the world (1 Peter 2:12), and opens avenues of blessing for us (John 13:17).

Faith is necessary to please God (Hebrews 11:6), and if our faith is genuine and true, we will live a lifestyle characterized by righteousness, modeling the example set for us by Jesus Christ. We obey His commands, not because we have to, but because we want to, because we love Him. We are enabled to obey because, once we believe in Christ and are saved, we are remade. We are not the same people we once were. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

When we obey the Lord, we can live a life of joy, without shame, rooted deeply in the Lord and confident in our eternal hope. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17). Our obedience is actually part of our assurance that we truly know God (1 John 2:3).

When God’s children obey their Heavenly Father, He is glorified. Jesus told us that the plan is for others to “see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). Of course, performing “good deeds” requires obedience to the One who calls us to good deeds. A Christian’s testimony of holiness is a strong witness that God is at work in the world.

“Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in obedience to him” (Psalm 128:1). The Bible often tells us that God blesses and rewards obedience. James 1:22-25 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. . . . Whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.” See also Psalm 119:1-2.

God is gracious. If we haven’t been living for Him, if we haven’t been following His commandments, if we’ve been living in and for the world, we can be transformed by the blood of Jesus Christ. We can ask God for forgiveness, and He will give it. And He will choose to forget the sin, just as if we had never committed it in the first place. God is glorified when He extends forgiveness, because it is written, “I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds. . . . Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more” (Hebrews 10:16-17).

In part 3 I will share how obedience has worked for me in my adult life. Thank you for reading and please share with someone in your life.

I remember growing up and as far back as I can remember  I was called "hard headed." I used to answer to it more than my given name it seemed. I had my own thoughts about things and often I learned things the hard way. Hard headed fit me. Sometimes it worked out in my favor. Like when I am told I am incapable of doing something. I was told once by a boss in my twenties that I was highly unlikely to get into Harvard Business School after I applied. I did. He didn't . In many respects, my hard head for the good outweighed the bad, but not always.

I came to know Christ at a very early age. it would be a long time though before I sought a relationship. For years our relationship was one sided. I checked in when I needed something. Even though I tithed, attended church, taught Sunday School, sang in the choir, and went to Wednesday bible lessons, I did not really have a daily intimate relationship with the Lord. I did not even know how to pray until I entered my forties. What I mean by pray is pray with a heart of "your will be done Lord." I did not surrender all of myself, I clung to man many times and hoped God would intercede versus expecting that he would based on his word. Truth is I really never knew his word. Never got to know scripture. I used the bible as the thing we kept around. The object every God fearing Christian should have at least one of in the drawer or on display on the coffee table. The bible was an object not an instrument.

Things began to change for me not because something big happened or did not happen in my life. I can't say some big life milestone occurred tragic or otherwise than recentered me. Mine is not that type of testimony. For me it was much more subtle. My transformation can best be described as a simple act of obedience. A heart decision point.

There is scripture, loosely translated in the bible that says, "It is better to not know and not do than to know and not do." I interpret this to mean, once you know what God expects of you he holds you accountable. Obedience is the cornerstone of this expectancy.  My heart was pierced by this passage 2Peter 2:21. And once my eyes were opened I could not shut them. I could not erase the impact on my heart. And from then on when God said move, I moved. My life has never been the same or better.

What followed was all the ways God was waiting to move in my life based on my simple obedience. Though I  moved in baby steps, he moved in Herculean jumps.

The night of my marriage just shy of 24 years ago I accidentally left for my honeymoon without my wedding lingerie. I had some really nice pieces that my lady friends had chosen just for the occasion. Instead we were at Wal-Mart looking for panties and such I would wear over the next week.  It was hysterical. I am the only bride I know who wore bloomers around her new husband during their honeymoon. Too funny really...at least I can laugh at it now.

I have forgotten a lot over the years, especially when I am over-extended or over-stressed. I remember the times (several) that I left my smart key to my vehicle at home. When the key is not near the car and you turn the car off it will not start again. I can't tell you the number of times I had to call my husband to rescue me from somewhere because the key to the car was nowhere in sight. Each time he came like a knight on a white horse scooping me up and riding me side saddle back home. Those times I would fish out the really nice lingerie to say "thank you".

Not to mention at least a dozen times over these two decades I have lost my glasses or forgotten where I put them. I stop time when this happens. I make everyone around me stop whatever they are doing to help me look. I am too vain to have the glasses on a chain around my neck. Not yet. Too soon I tell myself. But here again I make the finding of my glasses a "project" for my environment including of course my husband.

We have had a long time together. We have been through a lot. Through it all I have lost things, I have forgotten a lot. But one thing I have never forgotten is what brought us together so long ago. I have never forgotten that feeling I had when our eyes locked at that house party. I have never forgotten the love we share for life and for one another. I have never lost the goose bumps I get when he enters the room.

Now where did I put my glasses? Better yet, I need to make a run to Wal-Mart.