The news I had received on May 14 and again on May 26 had changed everything in my life. Ovarian cancer, it couldn't be? It is called the "silent killer" because it is rarely caught early.
My every thought and action seemed to be expressed in slow motion. A secret, so far between my husband, myself and my best friend, Kimberly. Every day I felt the effects of my peril, weak, chest pains, fluctuating severe high blood pressure. Just one week after seeing the oncologist on May 26, I had a surgery date of June 3. I would undergo a radical hysterectomy, usually reserved only for OBGYN cancer patients. Now I had to tell my children. Each privately, I told them. Mommy is going to have surgery while you are away at camp. The doctors want to fix my bad menstrual cycles so I don't feel tired anymore. They were appropriately worried but overall okay.
My surgery date was reset to June 12th at my request. I wanted my husband with me without any distractions. We both needed to clear our plates and focus like a laser beam on my condition. Next I needed to do something that was not easy for me. I needed to ask for help. I needed prayer. First I asked my family, then my sisters at AWESOME LIFE MINISTRIES, then I appealed to my prayer warrior friends at church and in my social life, all of them in the hundreds. They immediately responded and in a very big way.
The thing I remember most about my praying friends is this: so many asked, what specifically do you want me to pray for? What is your desired outcome? First, I wanted life. I wanted to learn God's will for my life out of this. I wanted for God to use me for his purpose.
On top of the round the clock prayer I was now receiving, this crisis turned me toward my husband of 23 years. For the first time in many years I felt completely vulnerable. My husband became my rock. I fell in love with him all over again and more deeply than ever before. My health crisis brought us together and nothing else mattered. It was the two of us and together we would fight whatever came against us. I leaned on him and he caught me. He consoled me, he comforted me, he held me close and I let him. Every meal I consumed he personally made for me; fruits, vegetables, water, juice, tea, everything. I knew that God was resetting my heart toward him and I leapt at the invitation. We became one again. I knew this was part of God's lesson for my life.
PRAYER HEALS THE SOUL: And my prayers came from all over the nation.
"All I know is that I know that You are here now. Still my heart, let Your Voice be all I hear now."
“I can focus on my inadequacy or I can focus on Christ’s sufficiency.” So, I say this to you, "His grace will be and IS sufficient for you in this time of need.”
Hold onto His mercy, Clutch His love as we all will witness our Father’s supernatural presence in and over your life and your family. Let it be well with you, for He has gone before you preparing every person, atmosphere and process to tenderly handle you….his beloved daughter. Praying the peace of God over your mind to guard you and keep you in the resting assurance of His goodness.
In every valley moment we must look up to the hills from which cometh our help. Because of our past victories and those that have paved the way before us, we know and are assured our (& our faith in the Lord) help - comes from the Lord.
Let God arise & His enemies scatter!!!! Praying & expecting His best....!!! I'm on the wall for your prayer petitions.
May the Creator of the universe hold you gently in His hands as you walk through this time of uncertainty. He loves every square inch of you, rest in knowing of how much you are cherished and loved by our Father.
The Lord is our refuge in good and in bad times. He will bring peace and comfort to you. As daughters of the King, we will focus on His blessings rather than our misfortunes.
God is already working. He can do anything. Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. Watch out mountain the women of Awesome life are praying!!! We are powerful! Move mountain!
The master has a plan for you. I can't wait to hear your story.
My faith agrees with everyone. Miracles signs and wonders shall FOLLOW them that believe.....It starts with believing that God is able. I am so excited and can't wait for the praise report.
My final call came the night before surgery. It came from my sorority sister's 81 year old mother. She told me God had already worked things out on my behalf. She told me, "You do not have cancer but God is saving you to serve him." She said, "God demands that you tell his story when this is over. To God be the Glory."
END OF PART TWO
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Everything I am about to tell you happened over 8 weeks from April 2015 - June 2015. My goal is not to convince you of anything. My hope is to expose you to the possibilities of faith and believing. The last time I felt really well I was in Hawaii with my family, April 2015. Today I have chosen to go back there in my mind. I remember the brisk winds, the vast ocean expanse. all the super duper colors covering the horizons. I smelled those colors too and when I couldn't, I made up imaginary scents. I never did come up with a smell for the color yellow. What does yellow smell like? Today I have been married to my best friend for twenty-three years. They have not all been easy. Shucks, most have not been easy. Easy is a choice. I would give anything for 23 more. I show you merely a part of my above-ground anatomy. Mature and dry, I detached from my root and tumbled away into the wind.
My tissues are dead technically; my death functionally necessary for my very survival. Necessary so that I might degrade gradually and fall apart. This is my only escape during my tumbling. When I come to rest I choose to be near water releasing my seed as I swell and tumble again. You and I are alike. You show the world the parts of you above ground; only parts you choose of you for them to see. The more mature you became, the more you detached from your roots and broke free. I saw your death too. How you surrendered all to your God. Shed your sin, washed away your transgressions and became new. Baptized at the water banks. I saw how you slowly died and were born again. I was there. I was there swelling with a new seed just like you. We were both saved that day in order to serve him. Saved to serve. (1 Tim 1:1-2) And then each of us in our own way tumbles along spreading the seed of a new day, and a risen King. But we know that there is only one God, the Father, who created everything, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom God made everything and through whom we have been given life. (1 Cor 8:6) Love, Tumbleweed Damn! Damn, damn, damn, damn! There I said it. Damn! And for the total four seconds it took me to say it out loud, I felt better. I felt four seconds better. Now what? I can trade up to some more flavory feel good words, try them on out loud, or ..... I can suck it up and get over myself. I can lick my salty wounds and pinch the remaining salt over my left shoulder forever blinding the devil waiting there. No matter how it goes, there is much to be learned from this sharp bend with the tight curve universally timed with perfect trajectory and precise accuracy to land in my life on my life's near-perfect plane. And land it has with a thump, debris flying everywhere. Every material matter in its path disturbed but not destroyed! I don't have time for any more nonsense. Speak your peace. Say what you came to say while I was busy minding my own business. If it is my deference you want, you have it, in full and protected view. I am listening! Being on the sharp bend in a tight curve is not about my fear. The greatest fear as felt by me has been in how predictably or unpredictably my environment has responded. This includes how I have responded. Was this part of the master plan to provide me with spiritual clarity, some higher learning? Was all this manufactured as a grand teachable moment to help shape my spiritual life? Was this a test? A pass fail exercise to prepare me for something bigger, more challenging, more something? God is no respecter of flesh, so this has to be about shining his light on something bigger than just me. Nothing it is said happens without a reason. No atomic matter is ever wasted. It occurs to me, I am being used. I don't much mind being used. To God and his glory. Now, I have become desperate for a new order and a new way of doing things. And on this sharp bend with its tight curve, Jesus took the wheel away from me. And then he reminded me to whom the wheel belonged from the beginning. He took me back into my slow motion moment. In full color, from my new vantage point, he took me out from behind his wheel and put someone else in my place, my husband. Yes. In my sharp bend in a tight curve the wheel will now be handled by Jesus through my spouse's heart. I will have to come out of this sharp turn learning to lean into my environment receiving my help from where God always intended it should come. I am being stopped so that I can start again in a new way. This time, nothing out of order. I have learned that I don't have to drive to get where God is taking me. And I can't be who I was created to be by always pulling out in front of God. I must trust the driver who guides me. There once was a speedy hare who bragged to man about how fast he alone could run. Giving complete honor and praise to God Almighty, Slow and Steady, the ever faithful tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch with great expectancy believing in the word of God. Playing to the crowd, the Hare ran down the road for a while and then paused to rest, full of pride and vanity. The ever boastful hare looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, "How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?" Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, "There is plenty of time to relax."
Without looking at the hare and staring ahead toward the crowd, Slow and Steady had this to say...... This here race is not mine to win or lose for my race is his alone. My help come frometh the Lord. My victory is his reward. I am but a vessel, and the one who walks before me has already paved my way. I fear not for fear is not of the Lord. I doubt not, I walk with steady step and a rejoicing spirit. I will never walk alone. There is no race I cannot win for I belong to him and he is my shepherd. My finish is in his bountiful hands. No man can change the outcome of his claim on my life. I am the child of a living God. I have favor. I am chosen to do a work and no obstacle put before me shall triumph. I am able to do the impossible for nothing is too much for my God. This battle is not mine, it belongs to the Lord. The Lord is my shepherd and I SHALL NOT WANT! Every hair on my head has been counted, every breath in my body has been planned. I belong to a supreme craftsman. And his work in my life has only just begun! Slow and Steady walked and walked at his own pace. He walked with full anointing. He walked with divine strength. He never, ever stopped believing even as he approached the finish line. The animals who bear witness cheered "Hallelujah, Jehovah is the King, our Alpha and Omega, the One True God, the Way Maker", so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, "Don't brag about your talent of lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won this race!" As parents we hear a lot! A whole lot of complete jibberish from our children. When they are very young it is cute and laughable. Sometimes it is so laughable it demands an audience. We hear ourselves saying, "Say that again, no wait a minute, go get dad, I want him to hear it too!" Like the time our four year old could not be persuaded Hannah Montanna did not in fact live inside our television. Or when our adopted son proclaimed upon being told he was adopted, "But I thought I came from dad's belly and my sister came from mom's belly." His was not a question but leaned on the side of a complete point of indisputable fact. Kids say the darndest things is right. And for a time their jibberish can be quite entertaining. I am not that popular, never have been. This is something I have had to get used to, adjust to in other words. I have never in my memory been invited to anything, well not really. If I receive an invitation, I am not expected to over stay my welcome. Breeze in, breeze out unnoticed. What a way to exist. Not once have I ever heard the words "thank you." Mostly I feel I have been taken for granted. No one to my knowledge has really tried to get to know me, the really interesting parts of me. Sometimes others get really close to exploring what talents I bring but then it really never goes anywhere. It is though everyone tip toes around me careful not to stir up my attention. When I think about my life I think in terms of years and decades. Though when I was very young I used to think my mom was getting old at age 40. I often became anxious wondering how long she would be with me. I hoped forever. When she became 50 by then I was 29 with a better understanding that 50 was not at all old. Fifty could be young and spry. I am 50 now and I don't feel a bit old. Slower maybe but not old.
I often think of how quickly time passes. One day we are riding skateboards, the next we are learning to drive and before long, we are afraid to drive at night or drive on busy freeways. A complete life cycle. That day your children declare, "No mom, you don't need to be driving, I will drive you." This is code for, "You have no business driving at your age." This hasn't happened to me yet but there is still time. The Mayfly has anything but time. This insect animal is reported to have the shortest lifespan on the planet. The adult Mayfly lives for less than 24 hours. Can you only imagine? Being put on earth to live a day. How would you spend your day? Your precious time? Scary thought really. But not for the Mayfly. She knows exactly why she exists. And her time is not spent for her own self interest. Not at all. No, the Mayfly lives simply to provide life to others. It is true. I wonder what lesson God was implanting when he conjured up the creation of the Mayfly. So she will grow up quite quickly, then she will mate with her male procreator inflight. How beautiful is that. Within minutes, she will harvest up to 8,000 eggs which she most delicately deposits in waters below, careful to make safe delivery of all. This delivery is her miracle to share with the universe. And then almost as quickly as she arrived on planet earth, she rests her wings on the water's surface and forever rests in peace. Life no more. Her life will spring from her magical delivery left behind. Everyday I am alive I think of the Mayfly. What lessons can I learn? Living for others, making every moment count, not taking time for granted. Enjoying the flight. Yep, God made no mistakes when he left us with the Mayfly. Awesome indeed. I hope we all discover the lesson in his creation for our lives. |
La Detra JoyI love being around people. I would rather live falling than break my spirit never trying anything hard. This blog is about trying and retrying life. Categories
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