Miss Graham smacked the truth out of him in the middle of the street for all to see. She smacked him because he had lied to her not once but twice, promising to her momma face he would not go anywhere near the mayhem. Not only did he go, he went to the epic center of it and took his place on center stage armed with props. He did not expect that she would be a spectator, she was hoping beyond hope he was not a key player. But he was and she could not ignore it. Though he was cloaked in costume, hoodie pulled up close and tight around his body, helmeting his head, dark clothes, and mask. Yes a mask to disguise his youthful face and the intended acts to come, but she knew it was him, any momma would. He took the stage and took aim. She arrived to the scene just in time and for a fleeting moment was relieved her only son could not be found. He had kept his word to his momma, so she believed. But like any momma whose maternal radar had been aroused she had to know for sure. And that is when she saw him already on stage and acting the fool, taking aim at his subjects....the police of Baltimore. Her baby acting like a man-child. So she did the only thing she knew to do....she found her son and gave him a royal beat down. The kind of beating that ended with a curtain call, not for his act but for hers. She was by the majority it sounded thunderously applauded. She had handled her business and maybe even saved her son from falling over.
I was not one of those cheering Miss Graham. What more, I was not among those judging her for what looked to be an explosion of rage and emotion. A desperate cry for instant correction and suspension. Her son Michael heeded without momentary hesitation.
My mother would have done the same thing as Miss Graham. She, like Miss Graham would have gone into survival mode and by any means necessary, corrected the situation she saw as wrong and potentially perilous. Her only son running toward a fiery danger he could not easily unwind. He is after all, young, black, poor and naïve to the consequences of his riotous bravado played out on national TV. My mom would have pulled tools from her only tool box, playing the cards from her deck, do as she was taught, listen to the voice that pulsated inside her and she would have acted just as Miss Graham acted. Rightly or wrongly, I will leave that to our maker.
Of one thing we can all agree. She took her son home that night. And this is more than many other poor, black, naïve to the consequences, moms of the inner city can say about their only son.
So on this one, I will remain in my seat from across the room and dare not judge. I have an only son too.
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 We Are What We Can't Say No To
Ever wonder what people think about you? I do. I basically always have. I care less though the older I get, except for what my kids think of me. What they think is paramount. It's the truth. I did not say I don't care what others think of me, I just care less than say five years ago and even less than I did five years before that. The older I get, I care most about what I think about me, and God of course. But those two go hand in hand. The more I think of what God thinks of me, I think more about what I think of me. God can't be fooled. No need to even try. When I look at others and what I think of them, not that they care, I look no further than the things they can't say no to. That's it. What are those things that make them up that they can't say no to? I bet you want me to expand on this so I will. I meet a lot people who come to me for advice. Mostly I am flattered but more so, I really want to be helpful not ever harmful. If I have known them for more than a year it is easy to give them advice. The hard part is rarely not knowing how to help, but rather knowing how to share what I know of them. This can be difficult, especially when they want a bandaid and I see an infected wound in need of urgent care. I wish I could simply say, "We are what we can't say no to", and leave it at that, leaving them to ponder what that could possibly mean for their life. But it is not that simple so inevitably conversations evolve into areas like these: You are an alcoholic because you can't say no to alcohol. You are door mat because you can't say no to your family, children, man, woman, boss, friends, or self. You are alone because you can't say no to yesterday, demons, grudges, resentment, crutches, and the chains that bind you. You are sick because you can't say no to self-deprivation. You are broke because you can't say no to over spending and credit card debt. You are depressed because no has become your bedfellow. You are hurt and empty inside because you can't say no to porn and gambling. You feel isolated in your own family because you can't say no to that voice in your head that says, "Don't you dare take the first step. Let' them come to you." You don't feel loved because you can't say no to self-hurt. You are who you are because you can't say no to being stuck. But no one has told you this because no one can yet. You are not ready to hear it. The really big thing is though, you are known far better than you are willing to know yourself. You are in self-denial but what God asks is for you to deny yourself. Luke 9:23 ESV / And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. When there is pain inside you and it hurts to feel then there is a healer who is in the healing business. There is no hurt he has not met. Psalm 34:17-20 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
He is available in times like these; fixing, strengthening, restoring the broken hearted. He feels what you feel and he wants to release it from you for him to carry. No matter what it is you are going through. 1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. And if your sorrow has you down and you feel heavy with its weight this is when the healer shows up ready and able to steady your feet. He will give you the rest you are so desperately seeking. That is because he needs your testimony that will follow in order to complete his work among many. Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Your pain is not in vain. God is using you for the battle of many. And where he is taking you there is no sadness. There is only victory and your unfading crown. James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Ain't no mountain high enough to keep him from you.  Our first stop was to Kmart. We passed several homeless Hawaiians on our way some sitting in a squatting position eating out of makeshift dishes. Upon entering the store I reminded each child we only had the clothes on our backs for about 4 days. Each of us in the family could purchase one bottom and two tops, something to sleep in, underwear and basic toiletries. That was it. We left with some not so exciting looking clothes, travel size toiletries, and new underwear. I splurged and bought my daughter flip flops. She was wearing a pair of shoes of mine that were too big for her.
The four of us each left with one small plastic bag in hand. When we checked into our now modest hotel, the valet asked if we needed help with our luggage. We looked at one another and politely said nope we could carry what we had on our own. We would spend another 2 and 1/2 more days in Hawaii then another day traveling home. Our next stop was the cemetery. I had received a text from a close friend asking if I would put flowers on her mother's grave stone. Her mother had passed away just a few months before and now was a season of both Easter and her mom's birthday. I agreed without hesitation. We shopped for flowers first. We bought them on King street the last name of my friend's mom. After searching a short time for her plot I asked my daughter to arrange and place them. I told them about Mrs. King. What a gentle soul she had been, how everyone loved her and how she had always treated me like a daughter. I could tell by how somber my kids became they understood the significance of the moment. This was loss in a real way. Mrs. King was not coming back, her death could not be fixed or undone. After saying a silent prayer, I took a few pictures to share with my friend and we left. For the first several minutes after no one talked much. I think my kids secretly/silently imagined that could be their father or me in that grave. It was too heavy a thought. I had apologized to my family profusely for causing us to miss our flight home. My husband needed to return to work and my kids needed to return to school. To be perfectly honest, they were all very disappointed at first. They had transitioned into wanting to be home and I had disrupted that plan. They had no comforts from their belongings. Luggage was long gone, luggage on its way home. Finally after getting in a real tear soaker, it was my daughter who said, "Make you a deal mom, you stop apologizing and I will stop being sad." Then my son followed with, "Let's make the very best of this. No need to be in such a beautiful place wearing long faces. Besides we have each other. We are all together." We had an option, if it became available of splitting up and going home separately in twos. After some deliberation, my husband spoke up by saying, "We are in this together. We leave Hawaii together." And that was it. Family sticking together. A family realizing what is really important. It is about being together, forgiving our mistakes and moving forward as a unified front. A great teachable moment! 1 Timothy 3:4 ESV He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive. My family has grown accustomed to adventure. When I grew up we defined adventure by how we were able to stretch things until pay day. We became masterful at that, especially with the essentials.....laundry detergent, milk, bread, bus fare. My momma evented "squeeze blood out of the turnip." Don't believe me, look it up. Right next to that terminology you will find a picture of Nancy in full regalia. Okay I lied. You will not find her picture but you should have.
Recently my family, my mother's eldest daughter, found herself stranded. That mother's daughter was me. Now before you begin feeling sorry for me, hear me out. I was with my family in none other than Hawaii during a school break. I felt compelled to provide this with full disclosure because I realize I can count on one hand children I know who have been to Hawaii. Now to the point? My family has traveled the world. My children have stepped foot on every continent except Antarctica. I made sure of it. They understand and appreciate the multifaceted complexity of this diverse world we live in. They are used to new discovery. They have experienced their parent's trying to order food from pictures on a menu because they did not understand the native language. They have been knee deep in mud trouncing through the Amazon, swatting flies and stepping over ants the size of their thumbs. They have climbed ice glaciers in New Zealand and felt its country's earthquake. But ..... to be at the airport in Hawaii, missing a return flight home knowing your luggage was on that flight. You on the other hand were not going to be on any flight for at least two more days proved TRAGIC. And that outcome is completely MY FAULT. It is my fault because I forgot to teach them NOT TO SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. I failed to instill in them that big stuff is clean smelling clothes with enough laundry detergent, enough milk for cereal and two slices of bread needed to make a real school lunch sandwich. I forgot or neglected to teach them to recognize that feeling in the belly of truly being without. So in that moment I made a profound decision. I would give them a glimpse of what it feels like to not know what is ahead. The true vulnerability of "loss". Our first stop was KMART shopping for the four days of essentials we would need and ONLY the essentials. I was about to create a teachable moment for my children. Next stop, the cemetery.  To fix your mind to think of me as anything other than excellent is a colossal mistake of gargantuan proportion. That is because I am chosen. I have been selected for greatness. Chosen to carry a torch of splendor throughout the land, creating footprints leading to destinations with rainbows and waterfalls. I have been touched with favor. A kind of favor that man can't give and hence, man can't take away. It is bigger and better and more lasting than any earthly touch. More priceless than any earthly trophy or grand bazaar prize with red ribbons affixed. My gift is cloaked in purple. A certain royal purple that ends with wearing a crown. A crown that says "job well done my good and faithful servant, well done. In you I am pleased."
So if you are even thinking about stepping on my feet, covering my eyes, blocking my blessings, then think again. Back away from this cage because you are erroneously messing with the wrong gorilla. The one I am working with and with whom I am working for will not allow you to come within inches of destroying what HE has built up. Much thought has gone into me and the works I must do. No spiteful efforts of your design can destroy HIS plan for my life. So back away from this cage and go play with the other devils.  I learned of an encounter between two women who before had met only once. They decided to sit down for coffee because they had shared professional interests. One of these women had an ulterior motive unknown to the other. They decided to meet at a mutually convenient location just about half-way between their origins. One of these women was somewhat reluctant to keep this meeting appointment, something inside her felt uncomfortable and that feeling was intimidating. In any case, she fought through this feeling of anxiety and went anyway.
They talked about where they grew up, about their children, their career aspirations, their hobbies. They talked about where they would like to travel, aging parents, someday becoming grandparents, retirement. It was a lovely discussion. Each lady engaged, leaned in, and over time at ease. The lady with the ulterior motive eventually turned the discussion to her faith. She eased into a discussion of her relationship with her church. She spoke of her women's small group and she even gradually, carefully, purposely spoke of the importance of prayer in her life. She had come to introduce Christ into the life of this other person she had only once before met. She came because she was led by Jesus to do so. The other lady admitted that she does not have a relationship with Christ, does not read the bible and does not know how to pray. She simply felt lost and at times empty. So they prayed together. Two ladies with common interests. Two women who love their children, who want more from their careers, who would like to travel more. Ladies who met in the middle for coffee, each coming from different starting points. Ladies who leaned in, felt a common connection and put each other at ease. They agreed to see one another again soon. And one of these ladies found a new women's group that meets its members at their starting point wherever that starting point might be. The saved woman, the one who knows Christ, the one who was somewhat reluctant to keep this meeting appointment because something inside her felt uncomfortable was so glad she did. She was obedient to God's call on her life and went where she was led. She met God half way and HE did the rest. Matthew 28:19-20 NKJV“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” BASED ON A VERY TRUE STORY.  Shhhh! It's me. Over here. Look! Over here. No, you are looking the wrong way. Follow the sound of my voice. Don't draw any attention to us. Just quietly, discreetly make your way over to me. Hurry, quietly, make your way over. Tip toe. Don't make yourself conspicuous. I don't want to be seen working this hard to get you to pay attention to me. One would think that after everything I have done for you even when you paid me no attention whatsoever that you by now would be looking harder for me. I have kept boulders out of your path. I have left paved roads with pathways that took you places you never dreamed you would go. I knocked down doors with "yeses" behind them. I have redirected peril expressly intended for you, sparing you the bitter pill of its regret and sorrow. I have created unimaginable circumstances so your children will be blessed generationally, not cursed generationally. I did what I have said I would do and so much more, for you. I did this without your amen or Thou Father. I did this without your bended knee. I did this without your alter call, prayer closet or praise songs to me. I did this without your quoting my scriptures, reciting Psalms or orating my Ten Commandments.
So do forgive me my child if I exhibit the slightest offense. That I feel overwrought in myself because I must coax you from your stillness toward me. What did you want that I did not give? Asking this same question of me would not be prudent, because upon that question lies its answer. I simply wanted YOU to know and to declare WHOSE YOU ARE! Instead you leave me cowering in the corner calling out to you like a thief in the night. But when you can call on no one else, you will call on me and I will be there as I always have been. By then you will know that I was with you all along yet you chose to walk alone. This world you have valued more than the mansion I planned for you. You chose what you saw on earth not what I would have you believe about heaven. John 14:2 King James Version (KJV)2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. There was quite a clever movie that was released in 2008. It was about a nice, attractive, go to gal who was always the bridesmaid never the bride. The kind of forgetful young lady who is fun to be around but not kept around. I saw the movie, really like the satire actually. It was a delightful comedy that held my interest. The movie was not about me. Though I could not personally relate to the bridesmaid who had been exactly that 27 times, I could cheer for her. Why not her I thought? When is it going to be her turn?
The plot also got me to thinking about the bride. Choose one, anyone. On that day and for many days leading up to that day she is the very center of everyone's attention. Her big day is unarguably likely the biggest single day of her existence up to that time only to be trumped by having a baby one day. Having been a bride once myself, I am thinking about twenty seven things I wish I had known and perhaps done differently prior to becoming a bride or as a new bride. Here they are in no particular order: Twenty-seven dresses I would have worn differently: 1- I would never consider marrying an unsaved mate. 2- I would not have moved around so much just for a bigger paycheck 3- I would have tried harder to be a better younger bride. 4- I would have listened more and talked far less. 5- I would have asked for what I wanted instead of hoping he would figure it out. 6- I would have treated him the way I wanted to be treated before he treated me that way first. 7- I would have tried less to be right and tried more to come correct. 8- I would have paid more attention to the really small things and make them special. 9- I would have prayed harder especially when everything was going great. 1- I would have said I am sorry and meant it. 2- I would not have put the kids first, ever. 3- I would have learned sooner to fall under his authority. 4- I would have talked to him before taking it to the girlfriend circuit. 5- I would have sat still instead reacting to everything. 6- I would have done more of my part to fix broken things. 7- I would have prayed together. 8- I would ask him what he wanted. 9- I would have done more of what he liked to do especially sports. 1- I would laugh more. 2- I would stop doing things just to get a rise out of him. 3- I would be quiet. 4- I would say I love you more than I would say I LOVE YOU TOO. 5- I would initiate love making. 6- I would learn to change a tire. 7- I would model good behavior in front of the kids always. 8- I would brag on him more. 9- I would never forget why I married him in the first place. Well after nearly 25 years, I am still that bride and I can count the number of times on one hand I have ever been asked to be a bridesmaid. I own a lot of dresses. My favorites are usually his favorites and when I wear them well he usually lets me know he appreciates how I look in them. It is not hard to wear a nice dress. You just have to want to look good wearing it. One of the best parts of me was added when he was 17 days old. It was 4 days before Christmas. We were going to meet our adopted son. I remember like yesterday. The night before I was shopping for the first time in nearly five years at a SUPER TARGET in the middle of the night for a car seat, onesies, diapers etc. I had just learned that a young mother had chosen via semi-private adoption our family to raise her son. I even ran into a couple of persons I knew, my size 6 self, not looking a bit pregnant....filled to the brim with newborn items, I had no time to explain. I smiled and kept on moving. I had a son to pick up the next morning and Christmas was just four days away.
Now 12 years later, my son wants to know and meet his birth mom. He comes to me and says....the sooner the better, something in me is missing. DO I OR DON'T I? There is no doubt in my mind that my mother loved me deeply. I think she loved me a whole lot. I was not always as sure she liked me. My fiancé used to ask me often, "Why do you allow her to speak to you like that? How do you stand for that?" I always had the same response. "Because I love her and I am trying to understand and respect what her love has been through." Loving my mother taught me the thin line between love and pain. Sometimes, often times they rode in on the same horse. Once my mother told me, "If I tell you something and it hurts, then it won't hurt so bad when the world tells you the same." I never understood that. I understood the words being spoken, but I never identified with the strategy she put behind it.
I don't judge the pain within. I seek the deliverance of love. It is very difficult to have one without the other if you have not dealt with them openly. Pain causes you to project onto other people. I know that firsthand through my mother. Love allows for tolerance and forgiveness that pains often requires. I will never really know my mother's story. She was so secretive. I am not sure it is important that I ever know it all. I do know that I felt needed by her, loved by her and at all times like she would move heaven and earth to get to me if I needed her. She gave of herself til it hurt. Many times I saw in her that it hurt to give. It made her emotionally vulnerable. Likely somebody in her past owed her an apology that never came. That generational misstep caused her to become a guarded, cautious, hardened, suspicious soul. It also made way for her to become steadfastly protective of her own, strong, determined, driven, and above all courageous. I really loved my momma. She put some great qualities in me. I really wish she had lived long enough to know that I understood more about her pain than I let on and that I accepted her love without judgment. "Are we done yet?", she asked. My response, "Mom you are welcome to go but I wish you would stay." Because I loved her and even through my pain she caused, I knew she loved me. |
La Detra JoyI love being around people. I would rather live falling than break my spirit never trying anything hard. This blog is about trying and retrying life. Categories
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