I am someone who is used to getting those things I plan for and work for. I have a Ivy League education, wonderful job, loving husband, fantastic travel adventures from around the world. I have dedicated friends, supportive church family and very close family relatives. One would think I have it all!
I am healthy, I am curious, I am always doing something new. This is my life now. This has not always been my life.
For many years into my marriage I was infertile. I learned that I may not be able to have children when I thirty-two years old. After visiting many doctors I landed with an infertility specialist. We decided to try artificial insemination and we did try, six times. During this period of my life I became very depressed. I watched my only sister have children. I went to dozens of baby showers for friends and family. I had a prayer group, all moms, who prayed for my conception with me every morning for years.
I bought African fertility dolls, rubbed hormonal creams on my skin, ingested natural progesterone. I tracked my ovulation cycle. At times, I turned love making into a chore, a job, a goal, a calendar event. Even if we weren't speaking, I made sure we took care of our business when I was ovulating.
I was completely at a low of lows in my life. I had so much to give to a child. I wanted a baby!. I wanted my turn at being "my mother". And so for years we struggled. Financially we sacrificed to pay all the doctor bills. Nothing was covered by insurance.
I kept a journal of my heartbreak during this time which later turned into a still unpublished manuscript of my struggles.
My husband was a saint throughout all of this. He would tell me he was okay if we did not ever have a child. He told me I was enough for him. He was happy and everything would be fine. He loves me unconditionally and he showed it.
One day walking to the car from yet another friend's baby shower, I broke down in tears. As my husband opened my car door he turned my face to his and asked, "Aren't I enough?" I lied and whispered, "Yes."
One of my prayer warrior friends said to me one day, God is working something out in you. He is preparing you for your blessing. First you have some work to do. Some real work to do in your marriage and in yourself. He wants to be sure you are ready. Are you ready?
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My promise to God. PART TWO to follow in next post.